KEITH MYATH
Guest Lampoonist
In his latest string of bizarre antics, news broke late Tuesday night that Donald Trump has shelled out more than $2 billion of his own money to drop a nuclear missile on China.
“First of all, it’s pronounced Chee-eye-na,” said Trump in a recent press release regarding the bomb. “Am I saying I’m going to actually bomb them? Maybe. There’s a chance, a real good chance, like, extraordinary, actually. We’ve had eight years of terrible nuclear weapons usage. I’m not even president yet, and I’m sick of it. I mean, this is the worst nuclear weapons in the history of nuclear weapons usage. Awful. Just ask Sean Hannity.”
When asked about Trump’s declaration, Hannity sang nothing but praise for Trump.
“He’s a smart business man, so you know that if he’s doing this, then he got a really good deal on the nuke,” said Hannity. “He’s a great leader. He hasn’t even assumed office yet, and he’s making these types of calls. The guy is going to win the election, and it’s not going to be close.”
When asked what inspired the bold decision, Trump made it perfectly clear.
“In one of the debates, Hillary mentioned that it takes four minutes to access the nuclear launch codes — four minutes. That’s less than five. Trust me, I’ve got an expert in math who tells me these things,” said Trump. “I figured if it only takes four minutes for the government to access launch codes, I could spend a lot of money to make my own missile. So I did it. We did it. We did it well. We make bombs now in Trump Tower. We make the best bombs.”
One may have thought that Trump was done expanding on his thoughts of bombing the world’s most populated and industrial nation, but he wasn’t quite finished.
“I just decided that we would drop the bomb and that we would do it bigly. That’s the bottom line. That’s why we’re here,” said Trump, concluding with the simple thought of “China.”
Although the decision to drop a nuclear weapon on China will undoubtedly kill millions, destroy the worldwide economy, kill Americans stationed in Beijing and signal the dawn of World War III, Trump’s supporters stand firm.
“Only 50 million Chinese will die? That’s a win-win. China is overpopulated anyways,” said a local Trump supporter who wished to be identified as Leif Erikson.
“Besides, that’s not nearly as bad as the four Americans that Hillary killed in Benghazi. Hinga-dinga-derden,” Erikson concluded.
Miraculously, news of the genocide attempt/future doomsday plan from Trump only strengthened beliefs of his supporters. Latest polls since the news broke have Trump sitting at a firm 40 percent, tied with Clinton.
“I did see that. It’s lit,” said Trump of the latest polls. “We’re going to make America — and China, for that matter — great again.”
His main opponent, Hillary Clinton, suspects there’s a much bigger reasoning for Trump’s nuclear plan.
“We were at a charity event in 2002 with the rest of the top .0001 percent when he originally explained his plan,” said Clinton. “He said ‘man, if I could just nuke China and take their Great Wall and put it between us and Mexico, I’d do it in an instant. Great Wall, that’s a load of crap. It should be called the boring wall of only average at best.’
“I thought he was kidding, but here we are,” said Clinton. “Don’t worry. The Republicans will blame the mass amount of Chinese deaths from the bombing on how ineffective Obamacare is. It’s a shame this catastrophe won’t boost my poll numbers because half of America still hates me. Oh well.”
In response to the entire situation, Sen. Bernie Sanders left the world with the wisest words to ever flow from his 74-year-old mouth.
“Just remember, it could have been me,” said Sanders.