ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Special to the Lampoon
As this country reaches the end of the lunacy-filled nightmare that is our election cycle, it has now become time to look ahead at what the future has in store for us on our decision as a nation. At the time of the release of this paper, we will know who the next commander in chief will be, but because we do not own a time machine here at The Leader, we are going to compare and contrast futures based on if Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton became elected. (If it is a third party candidate somehow, the future is simple. We will spend the next four years rebuilding the capital, because every politician in every other branch of government would instantly explode.)
Should Clinton win, every address and speech will start with the words “Obama says” or some variation of what he thinks or wants. Clinton would expand on current platforms laid out by Obama, as well as laying down some of her own. Some of these moves will go over well, and some of them won’t, but nothing will be too major. It will seem on par for the course we have been on the last eight years.
Should it be Trump, every address and speech will begin with the fire of a presidential cannon, a pyrotechnic display making the Fourth of July seem like child’s play, and the first words to grace the audience’s ears will be that of a half-hearted apology for the most recent controversy.
His first act of policy enforcement will be to do everything in his power to cut trade with half of the world, cut Obamacare, cut spending, cut taxes — I think you get the picture. This will, of course, be in preparation for him to be able to rewrite the rules, so to speak. Should our country survive the first year, which will also be known as “The Great ‘Government, You’re Fired’ Year,” the actual action part will continuously be pushed back and will come to fruition as soon as he can do what he promised during campaigning: release his tax returns.
On a local level, should Clinton be victorious, you can look forward to more and more diverse articles in the Lampoon section, as the focus in the headlines broaden and become as diverse as they were a little over a year ago.
Should Trump become president, then buckle up! We hope you like reading about him, as that will consist of at least 80 percent of the stories. Some may call it lazy, others might rightfully point out that constantly making fun of President Trump would be a coping mechanism to try to avoid accepting our unusual reality as a country run by a persona of a person. But tomato, tomahto, right?