JACLYN SPIEZIA
Special to the Lampoon
Have you ever needed to get rid of your garbage quickly, but did not want to leave the comfort of your home?
Well, now you can! There’s no more need to dispose of that dead corpse in the river! No more need to try and hide those empty beer cans from you parents! No more need to conceal those pregnancy tests! Now your garbage can be picked up at the push of a button! Just call 1-800-TRMNATE! NO QUESTIONS ASKED! And there is NO CHARGE — unless it is a wide load — or is over 2000 lbs.
New York state recently introduced their newest emergency vehicle, The Terminator 3000.
The vehicle is around the size of a firetruck and is lime green, complete with a green siren on top. The Parks Department has been approached for a consecutive six years with the idea for a vehicle of the type; however, each year it was turned down due to lack of funding. After receiving a grant for $6 million from a cult organization that would like to remain nameless, The Terminator 3000 was born.
Some residents were concerned about the how The Terminator 3000 travels around, being that it is an emergency vehicle. Well, obviously it uses the emergency travel lanes! There have been some accidents thus far, as the vehicle is quite large.
After one week of operation, the number rests at only 17 deaths. One person complained about body parts flying out onto their car, but don’t worry, we are working on getting that fixed. Otherwise, we are excited to be at your service and also are hiring, for anyone who is interested. Have garbage that needs to be disposed quickly? CALL 1-800-TRMNATE! NO QUESTIONS ASKED!