D. Zbornak
Staff Lampoonist
In popular news, a revolutionary male birth control study was halted due to its undesirable side effects. While the irony in this sparked cynicism from women all around, it ultimately resulted in a shocking nationwide move. With men having fully experienced the frustrations of hormonal birth control, the government moved to fund Planned Parenthood for all eternity.
The men in this breakthrough study were harshly labeled as “wimps,” given that women using hormonal birth control have dealt with acne, pain, discomfort and mood changes for decades. What many of these critics failed to acknowledge was that, like in most medical studies, not all of the data was made available to the public right away. There were a few pieces missing that resulted in a great misunderstanding of why the experiment was stopped.
During an interview, one participant in the study discussed his experience.
“Well, we had a pretty good idea of what to expect. We knew it would probably be uncomfortable, but that was okay. How bad can a few weeks of nausea and bad skin be, after all?” the man said.
However, this male who wishes to remain unidentified elaborated on the most shocking part of the experiment.
“What people don’t realize is that the study was a complete failure! We went in looking for a new form of birth control, and before we knew it, many of us became pregnant,” he said. “It’s not that we couldn’t deal with the side effects. It’s that the shot just flat out didn’t work.”
When these astounding results were made public, the government took notice. Congress took a deep look into their historical efforts to ban all funding for Planned Parenthood with no logical reason.
Planned Parenthood, as we all know, goes far beyond abortion. It has long been a fundamental place for women to have access to their critical health needs. Due to unswerving political ignorance, the obvious importance of Planned Parenthood in healthcare has been long undermined. This study in male birth control and its results, however, have caused even the most right-wing conservatives to expand their tolerance and support permanent funding for Planned Parenthood.
“We’ve always been against Planned Parenthood for the simple reason that abortion is inhumane and enabling to lazy irresponsible women. We never believed it should be the government’s job to pay a woman’s way out of motherhood,” Sen. Mitch McConnell said in a recent interview. “But seeing the everyday lives of so many women represented by these men in the birth control trial shed a whole new light on Planned Parenthood for us.
“The horror that these men went through in this experiment, like the awful side effects and unplanned pregnancies, made it much clearer to us why women have so adamantly demanded funding for Planned Parenthood throughout the years,” McConnell added.
With this epiphany, the government declared, to the happiness of women and liberated men everywhere, that Planned Parenthood would be permanently protected. The best result of this historical event was that scientists became motivated to find a new birth control for men and women that would be effective and significantly less distressing in regards to side effects.
With the government’s new awareness of reproductive health, funding for further researchers was granted immediately. It is predicted that, in the near future, everyone who needs it will have access to birth control and women will live in peace, knowing they won’t have to worry who the mothers of their children are.