PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
This past June was historic for the United Kingdom, as its citizens opted to vote themselves out of the European Union. This bombshell ruling, cleverly named Brexit, was evidence that the U.K. wanted to be its own entity in the shadow of the EU. Since the U.K.’s exit, the EU has had strong parental control over what they do, what they eat and whether or not they can see their “best friend” Charlotte after hours.
During an interview in a dim-lit coffee shop in East Wales, a 40-year-old knicker-maker chimed in on the grim situation he and his country face.
“I’m shaking in my trousers as we speak. The EU issued a passive-aggressive parental parcel for all of us citizens. Basically, it was a scroll that gave our families a list of chores we had to do. My family and I were assigned to be the designated town plumbers. You should’ve seen our neighbor Boris’s lavatory. It was bloody terrifying,” Donald Greene said.
Rules, besides chores, that have been enforced by the EU on the U.K. include mandatory bedtimes at 8 p.m. SET (Standard England Time). Many folks of the small town of Leaky Lagoon are completely opposed to the idea, due to their lifelong love of the hit E! show, “Rob & Chyna,” airing past 8 p.m.
“I used to break beer bottles against me grandma’s head as a way of acting out, I suppose. Once Rob & Chyna came on the telly, I was a changed young man I reckon. Them fighting over chips in the car and Rob’s increasingly distant behavior makes for the best therapy,” pipsqueak and literal misfit Ginger Frecklesbaum II said.
The Lampoon sought answers at the EU’s headquarters, a fish and chips stand in West London.
The head organizer, a Londoner, described the relationship in a whacky but understandable manner.
“Imagine if you came home to find your flatmate shagging the love of your life on the kitchen table. That’s what it felt like with the Brexit this last summer. We decided we were going to get payback in a parental fashion. We wanted them to understand who their daddy is,” EU leader Mr. Bones said.
Londoners haven’t been enthusiastic about being newly adopted by Bones and his coalition of goons. Many were interviewed around the area.
“I wanna throw Mr. Bones off a double-decker bus,” yelled a young child eating chocolate ice cream from a tin can. “It’s true. The EU is straight up wrong. I had to text them 50 times the other day just to ask if I could spend the night in my wife’s bed. I’d never thought I’d say this, but I might move to the USA, even with Trump!” exclaimed the young child’s father.
Under intense investigation, it was also revealed that the only food U.K. natives could eat was white rice, and according to Bones, dessert would not be served after a meal. (It should be noted that dessert won’t be served even if U.K. natives lick their plates clean.)
The EU has remained focused on being the “parent the U.K. never had” and applying their rules across the entire country. While lifelong residents are outraged, they remain standing by the claim that their country’s departure from the union was “not just a phase.”