EMMA PATTERSON
Staff Lampoonist
Only days after Donald Trump won the presidency, New York Republicans are threatening to build a wall around the highly populous and liberal New York City in an attempt to make New York “red again.” Feeling scared and confused for the 100th time this year, the Lampoon attempted to have an adult conversation with the leader of this movement, New York state Republican Stan Gunderson, in hopes of shedding light on this ridiculous turn of events.
“WE NEED TO BUILD A WALL,” Gunderson screeched, his voice resembling what we imagine an alcoholic cartoon manatee sounding like. With all hopes of an adult conversation crushed, we warily asked Gunderson why he wanted a wall.
“I was looking at that map on CNM,” he said, referring to the nightmare-fueled electoral map on CNN that showed which states voted with a Republican or Democratic majority. “New York was all blue, and all because of that speck on the map: New York City.” He raised his right arm, which had been surgically replaced with a shotgun, in apparent frustration. “So I thought, ‘We need a wall around New York City.’ We can’t let those green tea-drinking, gay marriage-supporting liberals decide what color our state is!”
Gunderson’s quest for a wall stems from his belief that his white man voice deserves to be heard.
“ME MURICAN, ME HAVE RIGHTS,” he continued to yell at nothing in particular. When we inquired as to what these “rights” were specifically, he got so agitated that he was forced to take a quick six-hour nap and fire his gun-arm into the air a few times in order to let off some steam.
Terrifyingly, Gunderson isn’t alone in these beliefs. According to RateMyState.com, the no. 1 complaint New York state Republicans have about the state, besides a disappointing lack of Denny’s restaurants, is how it was colored blue, not red, on the CNN Map of Nightmares. Seriously.
When we informed Gunderson of the historical, cultural and economic importance of the city, he sniffed deeply and said, “We don’t need ‘em. I got everything I need right here.” He pointed his gun-arm towards his collection of deer heads and flat screen TVs.
In a last-ditch effort for sanity, we reminded Gunderson that the man he had built a shrine to in his bathroom, Donald Trump, was from New York City. Gunderson wasn’t concerned.
“Trump won’t be in New York City much longer. He’s on his way to bigger, better and whiter things. He’s got the brains to run this country, walls and all.” He wiped his eyes with his gun-arm as we slowly backed out of the room. “He’s gonna bring this country together!” he shouted. We ran for our lives.