KILGORE TROUT
Guest Lampoonist
Since the shocking victory of Republican nominee for president Donald Trump’s campaign last week, reports confirm a sizeable increase in the number of Americans citizens turning on the TV, scratching their heads for a moment, then exclaiming angrily, “Is this a goddamn joke?”
For the first time in its history, the U.S. will be led by someone with no prior government or military experience, a fact that caused millions of Americans to cradle their heads in their hands for a little while, then say under their breath, “I can’t believe I live in this fucking country.”
Trump’s victory is especially surprising given that every major news outlet and poll predicted his loss to Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton. It is also surprising given that he repeatedly questioned President Barack Obama’s birthplace and citizenship, was heard in leaked footage from “Access Hollywood” bragging about committing sexual assault, has not released his tax returns, argued that women should be punished for having abortions, said that global warming is a hoax invented by China, refused to say whether he would accept the results of the election if he lost, refuses to denounce the support of various white supremacist groups, admitted to taking advantage of tax loopholes in order to not pay income taxes, is currently being sued for his involvement in for-profit non accredited “school” Trump University, claimed that Obama literally founded ISIS, suggested that he would date his daughter were she not his daughter, publicly mocked a disabled New York Times reporter, defended the size of his penis in a Republican primary debate, criticized Sen. John McCain for being captured by North Vietnamese forces during the Vietnam War, continues to feud publicly with Rosie O’Donnell, tweeted (among other things) “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke,” had to have his Twitter privileges taken away from him so as to not say anything offensive, and was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2013, all facts that inspired American citizens to say to themselves and to each other for the last 18 months, “This man will definitely not become president.”
Trump’s rise was reportedly even a surprise to the campaign, and the president-elect is now in the midst of hiring more than 4,000 people to fill various roles in the Trump administration. Per the Wall Street Journal, Trump aides were unaware that that “the entire presidential staff working in the West Wing had to be replaced at the end of [Obama’s] term.”
However, some key appointments have already been made: Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has been named Chief of Staff, while Breitbart News executive chairman Steve Bannon has been named “chief strategist.” Sources confirm that Americans who just read this last paragraph responded by slamming their fists on the table and saying, “Are you fucking kidding me? Newt Gingrich is going to be Secretary of State?”
Democrats across the country have been reeling since Clinton’s loss, with multiple explanations being offered for the surprise of the century, including FBI Director James Comey’s letter to Congress casting attention back toward her email controversy, the Clinton campaign’s inability to craft a persuasive message and the fact that running-mate Sen. Tim Kaine sounds like he’s reading from a Laffy Taffy wrapper whenever he speaks. It’s reported that Americans have responded to Clinton’s loss by Googling the last time she campaigned in Wisconsin, then shouting “How the hell is any of this shit possible?”
Trump has also faced challenges from some who see his election as illegitimate: while he attained well over the 270 electoral votes required to win the presidency, Clinton received upwards of 600,000 more votes, which reportedly compelled many citizens to shout “Fuck!” before remembering that only about 57 percent of the electorate actually voted, a fact which caused even more Americans to think deeply, lift their eyes as if they had something to say, then realize that they, too, lack the words to articulate why exactly this is happening.