EMMA PATTERSON
Staff Lampoonist
After the nightmarish circus that was this year’s presidential election, many Americans feel powerless in the face of the looming Trump administration. While some people have taken to the streets in protest, one high-ranking White House official has a different kind of protest in mind.
“Have you ever seen ‘Home Alone’?” Vice President Joe Biden asked us when we arrived at the White House for his interview. In an effort to remain “professional” — something Biden struggles with on a daily basis — yet clear in his dislike of Donald Trump, Biden has constructed a set of semi-fatal booby traps around the White House as a “silent protest” of President-elect Trump. Just call him Kevin McCallister.
“Call me Kevin McCallister,” he said himself, chuckling and pointing at various objects for unknown reasons as he led us to the aptly-named “Secret Plan Room.” After being seated, Biden turned on the sole light in the room, a large lamp hanging from the low ceiling, and directed it on what looked like the treasure map from the back of a Cap’n Crunch cereal box. “Let’s do this, you filthy animals,” he whispered. We’d be lying if we didn’t admit we were a little freaked out.
What followed was an eight-hour briefing of all of the booby traps Biden has constructed around the White House. “We’re talking trip-lines, buckets of paint, live chickens and gallons of lighter fluid,” Biden said as eyes teared with nostalgia. “I even dug out my childhood marbles. I won’t want them anymore after what I’ve got planned for them, but it’s worth the sacrifice.”
We obviously were not permitted to give specifics concerning the nature of Biden’s booby traps; he decided to allow Trump himself to do that around two months from now at 3 a.m. on Twitter. But he did let us in on a little secret: “I’m not the only one involved in Operation Orange-Face,” he said, winking slyly. “Let’s just say, there’s a certain little head-honcho who was very eager to sign-off on the use of live animals, particularly of the bear variety.”
When asked how the secret service was feeling about his elaborate plans, Biden laughed, threw a random football at the wall and said, “They were a little unsure how the whole ‘superglue’ thing would work out, especially considering the fake blood and Rosie O’Donnell impersonator, but once one of them suggested duct tape instead, it all worked out.”
At the close of the interview, we had one more question for Biden: What, exactly, was he hoping these hijinks would accomplish?
“A brief moment of widespread peace. I think that, right now, what Americans need the most is a good laugh.” Before turning to leave, however, Biden grinned and said, “And if Donald Trump needs something, it’s a daily kick in the crotch by a Rosie O’Donnell impersonator.”