(Alissa Salem/Staff Illustrator)
TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Lampoon Editor
Americans who have stopped pinching themselves and have snapped back into reality are now keeping a close eye on President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet appointments.
However, the most important position in the President’s cabinet is the same one that no one seems to talk about: the butler, which has been revealed to be New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie.
Christie was gunning for a position in Trump’s cabinet during almost the entire campaign. However, according to an interview with CNN, Christie seemed shocked that he got a position at all.
“Chris was in shock when he found out,” Trump told CNN. “His jaw dropped, and his eyes got all wide. I think he was super happy with this appointment. Super happy.
“He’s been my attack dog for a while now, and he’s a really good attack dog. But even attack dogs need to play fetch,” Trump continued.
The role of presidential butler is not for the faint of heart. The position involves a lot of labor, including waking up at 6 a.m, delivering meals throughout the day, making sure the yard is pristine, waking up the president-elect at 3:30 a.m. for his famous toilet-side tweets and overall catering to Trump’s needs.
Accommodations aren’t much prettier. As the butler, Christie gets his own room in the basement complete with a floor-bound spring mattress, a toilet, a fan and a mini fridge of Trump Steaks; however, he’s not allowed to cook in the kitchen.
In an exclusive Lampoon interview, Christie was not happy about any of it.
“I’m not happy about any of this,” Christie said, unhappily. “I jumped to endorse him hoping I’d get the VP spot, but that went to ‘swimming cap hair’ Pence. Then I thought, ‘Maybe I could get a cabinet position if I tough it out for long enough.’ But now I’m stuck wearing a tuxedo on a daily basis.”
Christie continued, saying that Trump enrolled him in a butler training school, where he has been brushing up on proper etiquette and butler skills, such as setting a table and saying “Thank you, sir” and “Very good, sir.”
“I’ve been thinking about it a lot actually. What if we get an emergency call? We’re all in the situation room and I show off my prowess, taking the helm and saving the day. Maybe then Mr. Trump will see my true potential, and I can finally become vice president,” a fantasizing Christie said, staring off into space with a tear forming in his eye.
With all the manual labor and protein-heavy meals in store for Christie, it’s quite possible that we’ll see a Schwarzenegger-looking Christie emerge from the White House basement in a couple of years.