PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
“Dear Mr. Penis, I mean Mr. Pence, I would like to leave you some encouraging thoughts and wisdom as you take over my position as Vice President of the United States,” were the first words written in a confidential letter written by Joe Biden to Mike Pence. The letter was leaked by a bearded wine-drunk Buzzfeed employee this past Friday.
Over the past couple of months, the 2016 presidential election stimulated meme creationists to synthesize the Holy Grail of political memes: the Biden memes. These memes (pronounced “me-me’s” by middle-aged moms) showcased Biden as a mischievous troll who had literally no chill in his mannerisms. The letter indeed confirmed that Biden had no chill.
“As you assume the position I once held with such great honor, I’d like you to understand a couple of things right off the get-go. The first of which is that when you go to use the presidential lavatory and, by chance, happen to clog the toilet, there will be no plunger available for you to use. This is because I’ve exhausted the use of every plunger in the White House. So, you better bring your own plunger (BYOP) or get lost,” the letter continued.
After hearing of the bathroom talk Biden wrote to Pence over the letter, the militia found in Middle America, known as the Pence Militia, were majorly outraged. The militia has been gaining a steady following over the last couple of months.
“Well, we like to call ourselves Pence O’ Plenty, the Pence Police, or the most widely known name is the Pence Militia,” the group’s leader, Shovel Wilkinson, said in between monstrous spits of chewing tobacco into a can of Cherry Coke.
“Our whole cause is to protect Mike and everything he stands for. He came to visit our stronghold at the local Shoney’s one time. He impregnated my wife! I named him Mike Jr. He already hates musicals and Barbara Streisand, so I know those genes are strong,” Wilkinson added.
Biden didn’t flush the rest of what he had to say to Pence down the toilet after the bathroom talk. He continued to tell Pence stories of him and ex-President Barack Obama or, as Biden referred to him, “Barry from the block.”
“I don’t know what kind of excursions you and that sack of dung plan to go on, but Barry and I would traditionally visit Burning Man and lick loads of tabs. I’d be so lit that I’d give him a totally bro-mantic backrub as he wrote the most morose prose I’ve ever read on a piece of papyrus, hand-crafted by a jeweler named Destiny,” Biden continued.
Ex-second lady, Jill Biden, expressed her thoughts on Biden’s words in his letter with a simple sentence: “I’m probably going to cancel his Xbox Live subscription.”
Staff from major journalism outlets around the world were appalled at some of the things Biden had stated. The New York Times deemed the situation “Biden-gate,” while other major publications such as Buzzfeed held an all-you-can-drink wine fest and continued to make adorable and quick videos on how to make “scrambler bombs.”
After a couple diatribes about the White House’s cooking staff and the way the security guards would approach his pranks, Biden opted to end the letter with a quick and simple “you better watch your back. Love, Joe,” with a hand drawn winky face.