JACLYN SPIEZIA & ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Staff Lampoonist and Special to the Lampoon
UNIVERSITY
Sunday, Jan. 22, 2017
A student reported a laptop was stolen from a dorm room. A report was filed after the laptop found under their bed two hours later.
Monday, Jan. 23, 2017
University Police received a report that a couple was arguing inside the library. The situation was diffused upon arrival. According to a witness report, the librarian sternly shushed them whist pointing to a “silence in the library” sign.
Students were reportedly found drunk in the Amphitheater singing Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You.” They were issued an appearance ticket and lectured on how crack isn’t the only thing that’s whack.
University Police received a noise complaint about a couple reportedly having loud sex in a dorm room. Upon further investigation, it was apparent that the couple in question was actually just watching National Geographic.
Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2017
A R.A. called in reports of an underaged drinking party in McGinnies Hall. Authorities arrived on the scene with enough time to “hit the quan.” A report was filed.
Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2017
Vandalism that read “Trump has tiny hands” was found on routine patrol in University Commons. A report was filed and “Trump” was corrected to “Drumpf.”
A car was reportedly stolen from near Starbucks. The car was found near Tim Hortons with the thief inside after hearing that “Roll Up the Rim” came back.
Thursday, Jan. 26, 2017
Marijuana was found growing in the greenhouse in the Science Center. The marijuana was burned on site and the officers had trouble escaping from the greenhouse for three hours.
A naked student was reportedly seen engaging in lewd behavior with the “Cutter” sculpture near the Science Center. A report was filed stating that, yeah, it looks like a penis from some angles, but not all of them, okay?
Friday, Jan. 27, 2017
A drunk male was reported passed out in the fountain near the Williams Center. Officers on site gave him a pillow and read him a bedtime story.