EMMA PATTERSON
Staff Lampoonist
It seems that those Obama/Biden memes are not the only national treasures we’ll be missing over the next four years. The iconic symbol of freedom herself — the Statue of Liberty — apparently fled the country late last night, according to a confused yet unsurprised eye-witnesses.
“She kinda just lost it,” one witness said, his bald head shining in the January sun. “One second she was standing there like she’s supposed to, and the next second she was, like, randomly freaking out,” he said, shaking his bald, privileged head with privilege. “Maybe she’s PMS-ing or something.”
Although this single encounter made Lady Liberty’s reasons for escape much more clear, she nevertheless left behind a letter explaining her motives, intended most likely for those whose smallish brains can’t comprehend the concept of equality.
“Listen,” the letter begins. “I’m tired. I’m poor. I’m yearning to breathe free. This hasn’t only been a terrifying dumpster-fire of a year for all you huddled masses, you know.”
The letter continues in a similar exasperated fashion.
“The New Guy is trying to undermine all my hard work by closing up borders and building walls. I mean, why does he think I’ve been holding this torch for so long? For my health!?”
Across the nation, one fear (amid thousands of other fears in this newly Cheeto-dusted country) sticks out to those who actually care about things other than barbeque sauce and crown-sizes: where is Lady Liberty, and what if she never comes back?
“As I’ve been feeling a little antagonized lately, I’ll be back in France, home of good cheese and my brother, the Eiffel Tower,” her letter continued.
The Statue of Liberty did not confirm nor deny if she would be visiting other countries during her absence, except for writing how she’s “heard a lot of great things about Canada lately.” Obviously, the abrupt departure of the Statue of Liberty has resulted in many terrified citizens, as proven by the recently trending hashtags, #saveladyliberty, #isrushmorenext and #freedomwhereyouat. Despite these desperate pleas for her return, The Statue of Liberty ended her letter on a decidedly formal note: “For the next four years, I’d very much like to be excluded from this narrative.” However, not all hope is lost. A P.S. at the bottom of the letter proves that, though her torch may currently be extinguished, she sure can spit fire: “If I would be permitted to wear one of those pink hats, well, maybe we’ll talk.”