ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Special to the Lampoon
Valentine’s Day is upon us! BEWARE!!
Any year prior to this one, this would have been a pretty typical sentence that could’ve summed up February 14th pretty nicely. Now, however, this is not the case.
Due to the wide-reaching social effects of the great snafu of 2016, the overall psyche of the country has undergone an evolution of epic proportions. The pillars of optimism, promise and the pursuit of happiness that this country was founded on have imploded, and left in its wake is a new foundation consisting of purely nihilistic views.
It is with this new country-wide conviction that the day formerly known as Valentine’s Day has been changed, with overwhelming approval from the masses, to national All Love Only Nurtures Evil Day or, ALONE Day.
ALONE Day is now a day devoted to self reflection about how nothing really matters and how no matter what we do, we will all meet our demise in the end. Death is inescapable, and now there is finally a national holiday to embrace that thought — a thought everyone normally devotes their whole lives to avoiding.
Love and emotion hold no purpose whatsoever, and finally a day has been created to do absolutely nothing about it. Festivities that many can now enjoy over the holiday include doing nothing, avoiding all human interaction, buying a really expensive gift and immediately throwing it away, burning all of your most cherished possessions and, of course, doing nothing at all.
So where will you find yourself on ALONE Day?
We asked a few students on campus to see what they planned on this first new holiday. Here are their responses:
“Who cares?” said one.
“Who is even to say I will live that long?” said another.
“I plan on going out and having a nice lunch. Afterwards, I might go see a movie,” said a third. Actually, nobody said that. Nice lunches are over.
So mark your calendars, and make sure to have Peggy Lee’s timeless classic “Is That All There Is?” ready to play on repeat all day.