EMMA PATTERSON
Staff Lampoonist
In a shocking turn of events last week, President Donald Trump claimed that he would actually start to move forward with what the general public thought was just a really dumb, horrifying joke: the construction of the U.S.-Mexico border wall. Obviously, this announcement has received a less-than-thrilled response from pretty much everyone with a working knowledge of the world history of border walls. However, just when you thought modern politics couldn’t get any weirder, Mexico retaliated to Trump’s announcement with an amount of pettiness that would make Taylor Swift proud.
“In light of recent, nightmare-worthy events, we have decided that the only way to combat Trump’s Wall of Ego and Pettiness is to build an equally petty staircase,” Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto announced. “If Trump wants to act like a 6-year-old bully on the playground, then we’ll all act like 6-year-olds,” he concluded, unintentionally summing up 2016 in one phrase.
Mexico’s response to Trump’s wall has resulted in — what else? — protests both in support of and against Mexico’s staircase popping up all over the country. Unable to fully process this astronomical level of pettiness, the Lampoon spoke with protesters in the hopes that someone, anyone, would step up and talk some sense.
“I’m in support of the staircase because Taco Tuesday is damn sacred to me,” one teary-eyed man said, his voice shaking slightly. “Without Taco Tuesdays, I wouldn’t consider myself a proper American.”
Taco Guy wasn’t the only American whose main concern seemed to center primarily on delicious Mexican food. “Wait,” one woman said, a “Make America Great Again” hat perched precariously on her heavily-highlighted hair. “Would a wall mean that Taco Bell gets more expensive? ‘Cause if it does, then I want to take back my vote.”
The majority of protesters, both American and Mexican, have congregated at the site where Trump’s Wall of Stupidity and Nieto’s Staircase of Pettiness are believed to be built. Unsurprisingly, many of the staircase protesters are Americans. However, their messages to the people of Mexico are surprising: “Do not climb the staircase. We repeat: DO NOT CLIMB THE STAIRCASE!” one woman yelled. “AMERICA IS A MESS! GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!”
Trump, however, has not shown concern in the face of mass protest or Mexico’s staircase. “Don’t believe a word that comes out of that guy’s mouth,” Trump said to a rousing cheer from his tens of Twitter followers. “It’s unfortunate how some guys have to make stuff up just so people like them. Sad! One day soon, he’ll be expected to deliver on that staircase, and then what will he do?” Trump held a mirror up to his face and continued talking. “We’re gonna build the biggest, bestest wall he ever saw. It’s gonna be yuge.”
In response to Trump’s ramblings, Nieto simply shrugged and said that “an Elevator of Pettiness would be pretty awesome, too.”