JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Lampoonist
In what appears to be an effort to be more inclusive, the Miss Universe pageant will now accept competitors from other star systems. Don’t be alarmed, though. A Donald Trump-owned organization was not trying to be inclusive. The decision was made by current president, Paula Shugart, and came in response to a tweet from Trump.
After a previous contestant was accused of being an undocumented person, Trump, owner of the Miss Universe contest, tweeted, “I’d rather have aliens from other star systems as possible contestants than undocumented aliens.”
As lately it has been getting hard to tell apart seemingly identical, thin, dark-haired contestants, Shugart saw this as a chance to take initiative. She immediately went to Trump and asked him to legally allow aliens from other star systems into the pageant.
At first Trump said “No way!” but then he retracted his statement and reportedly said, “If they give me money, then they’ll love me, and we can have them help us with their future war technology,” and so it was settled.
As of yesterday, Shugart officially released the star systems that are invited to the event, which include, and are limited to, Polaris, Sirius, Vega and Antares. The star systems were handpicked by Trump, as he said their names sounded beautiful and exotic.
The message was sent out Saturday via satellite, welcoming the aliens to come join the pageant. Shugart is expecting a decent turnout, as just yesterday morning, during a press conference, it was confirmed that aliens from Vega have “heard our message, and are interested in Earth showing what we’ve got.”
Some people are concerned that the message sent out by Trump, which said “Come to Earth, and take over our pageant! Thanks so much!” may have been misinterpreted as “Come to Earth and take over our planet!”
This morning Trump tweeted, “I don’t see why people are so concerned about us reaching out to aliens for our Miss Universe Pageant! Get with it people!” When asked to further comment, he said, “Aliens aren’t like illegal immigrants. They aren’t here to take our jobs or terrorize us. You can’t just stereotype them like that! It’s ridiculous to just put them in a box when they are here to join and enhance our society. THIS PAGEANT IS GOING TO BE THE BEST EVER, TRUST ME! THE BEST!”
Not everyone is in favor of the decision, but we suppose that everyone will find out eventually whether or not aliens will in fact come to Earth. If that does happen, I just want to say, “thatekawfiope ewa kflwfioew akl;ads ioewa l;ae sdfi22 o33o HeLlo eArtHLiNgS HEheHE.”