ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Special to the Lampoon
Local student Buffrey Groucho was dumpster diving last Thursday when he found an old Tim Hortons cup, unrolled. He had no intention of finding any cups. He just truly cares about the environment, and really wanted to make sure there were no recyclables in the trash. Groucho didn’t think much of it, hoping he might be lucky enough to possibly win a free donut or coffee, and decided to unroll it.
When he brought it into the cashier at the Tim Hortons, she was confused as to his blatant disappointment. “It was a strange moment. I was kind of upset it wasn’t free food. What the hell would I need a car for? Heck, I don’t even have money for insurance or gas,” Groucho proclaimed in dismay at the winning of a ozone depleting gas guzzling monster.
However, Groucho has since changed his tune regarding the free vehicle.
“Well, I got to thinking that a brand new car like this could give me a better opportunity to find other dumpsters, more than just the ones on campus,” he said.
This is where the story was going to end, but a new chapter has recently unfolded. Apparently, admitting to not buying the cup has caused Tim Hortons to proclaim that the student has violated the terms of the contest.
University Police was contacted, and the surveillance footage was reviewed to find the true owner of the car. Unfortunately, the origin of the cup could not be found as it was snowing heavily, and only the outline of an individual could be seen from the camera feed.
This has caused the company to enact a clause in the rules pertaining to winning cups with no legal owner. Winston Lizards, the vice president of communication for Tim Hortons, clarified the rules to the Lampoon in an exclusive interview.
“We never thought that something like this would happen and so while drafting the rules we made a ridiculous clause for this specific event, when it went to legal for review,” Lizards said. “They thought it was funny as well, and I guess we just sort of forgot to take it out.”
Lizards then explained that when a cup has no rightful owner, but is a winner, the prize would be taken to headquarters in Oakville, Ontario, and would be given a Nordic viking funeral pushed out into Lake Ontario while playing Celine Dion’s great “My Heart Will Go On.”
This action by the company, who says they are legally bound to follow through with the plan, has caused Groucho to file a lawsuit for emotional damages. He claims that the process of getting a car thinking he was going to use it for the environment, and then having it ripped out of his eco-friendly hands just to be burned, and pollute Lake Ontario, is too much to for him to handle.
As of the reporting of this story Groucho has had his case dismissed in three different courts, and the preparations are almost set for the ritualistic destruction of the Tim Hortons prize.