JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Lampoonist
“The New England Patriots have just won Super Bowl LI,” the announcer screeched. While Patriots fans cheered in excitement, Atlanta Falcons fans started to screech in retaliation claiming the Patriots had cheated their way to victory.
One Falcons fan used his mechanical wings to fly down to center field, yelling, “It wasn’t a real touch down! I have the eyes of a falcon, and I know the truth!” Although a group of men tried to restrain the angry fan, he had already prompted many others to start screaming about the unfair victory.
In the meantime, Patriots fans drunkenly stumbled out of the stadium claiming they needed to get to the bars to celebrate. One man who was seen tripping over the steps yelling, “THE PATRIOTS ARE NUMBER ONE!” was punched in the jaw by a Falcons fan who reportedly told him to “take back that statement about the Patriots!”
Soon many Falcons fans started to turn to violence. It was like the Falcons were a pack of gods, and these fans were their slaves, ready to slaughter Patriots fans, if necessary.
As chaos broke out in the stadium, Tom Brady came back out onto the field — a brave move, for a man ready to face the talons of Falcons fans. However, his unexpected arrival caused the whole stadium to become silent.
“I have an announcement,” he started to say. A cameraman still on the scene began filming him while everyone stared like googly-eyed anime characters.
“Don’t do this!” Malcolm Mitchell shouted, running out onto the field, but it was too late. Brady started to speak.
“I cheated,” he said. Falcons fans squawked loudly, and drunken Patriots fans who had passed out opened their eyes.
Suddenly reporters were everywhere, asking him why he had done it.
“The Falcons had gotten too confident, and I knew they were off their game,” Brady said, as Mitchell shook his head in disbelief.
“How could you?” one fan yelled, while another girl called out, “I trusted you, Brady!”
A man with a briefcase came down and pulled out a large paper booklet and started flipping through it. “It seems the Patriots are not at fault,” he said licking his finger to flip through more pages. “But they cheated,” came the outburst. “Actually, using the other team’s confidence, or lack-of, isn’t against them,” the man replied.
No one knew exactly who the man was, or how he knew the rules, or even cared if the rules were right. In that instance, he was slaughtered by hundreds of Falcons fans. Afterwards, all of the fans left at once, and everyone agreed never to talk about the instance ever again.