PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
The severely outdated and irrelevant restaurant-locating website Yelp just received news that an organization had awarded Trump’s travel ban five stars. The totally peaceful and fun-loving organization that distributed the perfect rating? ISIS.
News had broke that ISIS gave Trump’s travel ban the coveted five-star rating via Steve Bannon, who was browsing his Yelp app on the toilet.
“The way in which I operate is sort of like a dumpster: I excrete my waste, but after that I immediately have the urge to put food into my body. I was searching for a low-calorie, low-shame smoothie spot when I saw that Trump’s ban was on there and rated five stars! By ISIS! I read the comments for the ban, and think I accidentally joined,” Bannon said while dressed in a training camp robe.
Bannon’s mumbling nonsense in between shovels of jalapeño Cheetos into his mouth actually started to make sense. Perhaps ISIS was using Yelp as a way to recruit up-and-coming scenesters looking for the hottest gourmet latte spot. The Lampoon sent the greatest detective force they had to investigate the operation. His name was Tootles YouBetcha II.
YouBetcha first found clues in the name of the Yelp account. The account in question’s name was “NotActuallyISISButActuallyISIS69.” YouBetcha traced the account back to a Middle-Eastern hideout in what was once a strip club called “JiHotties.” A simple message over Yelp garnered critical information.
“New phone who dis?” was the first message written by the men at the helm of the ISIS account. YouBetcha became confused. “Cash me outside how bow dah” were the next lines of Arabic glowing in the LED screen. The altercation between the ISIS member and YouBetcha was live-streamed on Twitter, and college students went wild.
“Oh my god! They actually said that? I gotta tell all my boys this. But first, I gotta butt chug this Molson. Hold up,” frat member Porky Stevenson said.
The reason of ISIS’ use of ironic meme speak was to send a message. This message seemed strange at first, but it made sense at a deeper level.
“Basically, ISIS wants the travel ban in place so that nobody can experience the travesties of American meme culture. This is the true meaning. ISIS hates memes and mocks us Americans for using such phrases as ‘oh shit waddup’ or ‘issa knife.’ These people affected by the ban can then continue to harbor hatred towards Americans and perhaps join their cause,” secretary of culture and avid sweater vest donner William Hong said.
After coming to these conclusions YouBetcha met his fate by a drone operated by a 9-year-old boy. The drone flew directly into the engine of his helicopter. Neither the child nor the drone could be reached for comment.