EMMA PATTERSON
Staff Lampoonist
It’s always nice when politicians step outside of their comfort zone. For example, there’s nothing at all unsettling about Barack Obama wearing denim shorts or Chris Christie eating a carrot stick. This totally-real fact made Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos’ decision to swap places with an actual public teacher to “see what it’s like” feel like a breath of fresh air. Or like a miracle.
She invited the Lampoon to accompany her on her first-ever first day of school.
“Do you like my backpack?” she asked, brandishing a
bright purple backpack covered in glitter and rainbow butterflies. “I don’t know why people are always complaining about these things. They’re not that heavy,” she said, revealing the contents of her backpack to be a pack of Gushers and a $100 bill, which she claimed was her lunch money.
DeVos’ expression when she first saw her fourth grade classroom resembled that of every sane person after her nomination: confused and a little horrified.
“Why is my desk so small?” she whined. “Why does everything smell like disinfectant? And what are those … things?” she said, pointing incredulously at the 25 children sitting in front of her. Seeing children in a public elementary school was as crazy to DeVos as seeing grizzly bears in a school is to everyone else.
“Why are they staring at me like that? Is it time for them to feed or something?” She whispered an hour later, after finally figuring out how to write her name on the chalkboard. “I mean, what else am I supposed to do? Talk to them?”
DeVos finally started to make progress once the kids told her what they were learning when their real teacher was there. She was especially impressed that there are now three branches of government instead of two.
DeVos was fascinated with the “tiny human things.”
“Look! They even have their own books!” She exclaimed. “I’ve been dying to try one of those.”
Unfortunately, calamity broke out after lunch when DeVos discovered that her Gushers were missing out of her backpack.
“I knew it! These schools are practically crime dens. I bet a grizzly stole it,” she wailed, curled up in a fetal position under her desk. The children looked on with disgust.
When the bell rang at the end of the day, the children ran — some laughing, some crying — from the room.
“What’s that horrible noise!?” yelled the secretary of education. It was unclear if she was talking about the sound of the bell or the sound of the children’s laughter. Either way, we think it might be best for politicians, and DeVos, to stay firmly within their comfort zones from now on.
In other news, DeVos was unable to regain her post as secretary of education when she returned to her office, as the public school teacher she had swapped with had barricaded the door shut. For the sake of public school children everywhere, we hope the teacher has some strong barricades.