PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
WWE Hall of Famer
In Donald Trump’s inauguration speech, he said, “From this day forward, it’s going to be only America first. America first.” POTUS has followed up on his thoughts with an exclusive op-ed penned for the Lampoon.
Who was your founding father? Our founding father was George Washington, and he was the best, the absolute best. He founded this wonderful country that used to be great. It’s not great anymore, though, so we are making it great again. But it’s still the best. Obviously.
We have won many wars. So many. It’s ridiculous. Well, I’m not sure we actually have, but we’ve tried helping other countries. But then we stopped, or we are going to now because other countries are terrible, just absolutely horrible. But maybe yours is the least horrible.
America has the best military in the world. Nobody has a military better than we do. No one gets past us, except immigrants. Many of whom are entirely harmless, but I don’t like anyone who tries to give themselves a better life by coming here. We choose who we help. Instead we are going to build a wall because we like feeling protected from the unknown, even though most immigrants will fly over our heads in planes. But anyway, the point is, we are safe here with our racism and misogyny. But come travel here because we are the best country on Earth!
You’ll love it, it’s great. We have places like the 9/11 memorial, and Detroit, Michigan. It’s the best, you better believe it.
In America we speak English, it is the best and only important language to know. We have the best words. Our vocabulary is huge. It is so big that people come here from all over the world to hear it. It’s true, so believe it. So can we just say that America is the best. The BEST EVER! So who wants to stand behind us and be America’s second? It’s possible it could be you!