PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
This past week, news is more depressing than the traditional brutalist architecture on campus leaked out over the internet: North Korea has missiles. However, these missiles aren’t harmful in the slightest. They can actually be used for wildly entertaining purposes.
In a chilling call using FaceTime on the now-embarrassing hardware of an iPhone 5c, U.S. spy Aurora Boredwitallis captured all the details. Some prior details were disclosed.
“This past June, Kim Jong-Un and I kicked it in Cabo San Lucas — all inclusive, baby. We discussed everything from Kanye’s discography to the way in which America is full of nothing but corporate drones over mojitos and iguana burgers. He told me he was planning a great missile launch and he’d video chat me when he was ready,” Boredwitallis said.
About a week ago Kim requested to video chat, and Boredwitallis was horrified.
Turns out, Kim and his goons (trademarked as “Un and His Goons”) were launching original geospace jump rockets. These rockets were fueled by nothing more than a hop and are readily available on Amazon for a great price of $17 (free shipping with Amazon Prime).
“Some have said that the harder you hop the farther the missile goes,” a Geospace jump rocket extraordinaire and mother of two boys had this to say about the weaponry in Korean possession.
“Those goddamn plastic rockets drive me insane. My little one Bryson just jumps on it all day and breaks everything in sight. He hit our cat Boris in the face once. Boris needed medical attention. I can’t imagine what kind of damage North Korea could do if they managed to get the rockets over on U.S. soil,” Denise Cupcake said, opting to not use her real name in case her estranged partner found out.
In a 40-page nuclear agenda, Kim spilled the beans about his plans for the rockets, and it was messy.
“We plan to gather all our citizens and subject them to maximum calf training. With this calf training, our citizens will be able to jump longer and higher in order to put enough force on the rockets and send them over to your kale-eating, celebrity-worshipping country. We hope that Snapchat and BuzzFeed covers your impending demise,” Kim said, in-between puffs of a candy cigarette.
One of the most shocking parts about Kim’s video and agenda was the reveal that ex-NBA player and literal last man you would ever want to appear in your nightmares, Dennis Rodman, was in on the plan all along. In an interview on “60 Minutes,” Rodman revealed it all, including his pierced genitalia.
“We had a candlelit dinner, and he explained to me that he needed these jump rockets. At first I said, ‘Man you tripping. Can’t you just buy some real nuclears?’ until he slapped some sense into me. I immediately went on Amazon and, using my Prime account, got a bunch of those rockets with free shipping,” Rodman said, clearly shilling for corporate America.
And so the launch day came as Americans anxiously waited for the big bang. The entire country of North Korea participated, off Rodman’s hefty donation. However, the rockets, to nobody’s surprise, didn’t launch farther than 15 feet. Kim was pissed and continues to plot the death of America as the rest of the world continues to whip and nay nay to their heart’s content.