PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
Before he was wheelchair Jimmy, Aubrey Drake Graham, or Drake, told his “Degrassi: The Next Generation” co-stars he would one day release an album that was literally filled with tears. That day came last Friday as Drake released “I’m Sad. Hear Me Out. Pass the Blunt. The First Chronicles” to rave reviews and massive confusion.
The 13-song opus was released with little-to-no press at all and received a perfect 10 out of 10 “best new music” by popular toxic tastemaking megahouse Pitchfork Media.
“I freaking love this album, man. The sentimental value of this record increased hella-fold knowing you open it up to Drake’s very own tears. So post-ironic! I might try to inseminate my girlfriend with his tears to see if she’ll pop out our own lil’ baby Drake. What do I know about science? I love music!” said popular Pitchfork writer and guy you literally never wanna start a conversation with Alexander Ottoman.
Fans across America worldwide couldn’t fathom how much Drake actually cried in order to fill all of the one hundred million copies that were sold in its first week.
“I mean. It’s kind of weird that the man not only tried to bring back the physical CD in mainstream culture but also filled every copy with his own tears. What a self-absorbed jackass. What’s he crying over? Bad caviar? He needs to give me money now!” said cheapskate conspiracy theorist Ricky Jabroni.
Other fans were actually stoked to have one of their favorite artist’s bodily fluids in their copy of the CD.
“It was so sexy! Drake is literally so sexy! I need a one dance if you know what I mean! Ugh. When I got my copy, I cried into his tears and we made our own little ocean of mutual tears and understanding. He’s so sexy!” said middle-aged dad Enrique Azul while wearing a yellow cashmere dress.
The question remained: Why did Drake do this? The Lampoon sought answers from Drake’s close circle, or the Drizzy squad. The first man to spill the beans was Drake’s dad, who was painfully extra for his interview, dressed as a biker in an R&B band.
“Woo! That joint is hot right? That’s my boy. He told me he wanted to release something that people would cry about, be sad about, feel bad for him. That sort of stuff. He definitely succeeded. Soon as I heard it, I abandoned my 13th wife, bought a moped and hit the road!” Dennis Graham said.
The Lampoon finally got a chance to interview the real Drake about his melancholy decision.
“Imma be honest with you. The real reason why I made the album is because I couldn’t get any bud. Like I was tryna match and literally nobody had tree on them. I’m better now though. Like I’m all good. Just buy my album and stay fresh bro,” Drake said as he ascended back into his pimped-out spaceship via ultralight beam.
The album continues to be the top selling of 2017.