EMMA PATTERSON
Staff Lampoonist
The whole world turned on the news last week and, for the first time in months, was not greeted with flames and screams of horror but with the announcement that a new continent has been discovered deep in the Pacific Ocean. The new continent was found to be the home of ridiculously good-looking merpeople who call themselves the “Leaveusbe tribe.” In typical American fashion, we decided to pay the Leaveusbe tribe an abrupt and unexpected visit.
“Oh, hey, the Americans are here,” was the welcoming greeting we received when we arrived. “We thought you guys were just like an urban legend or something.”
The tribe was comprised of some of the most accommodating merpeople we’ve ever met. Everywhere we went, they were right behind us. It was like they were watching our every move!
“We totally trust you guys,” one tribe member, who looked like a combination of Ryan Gosling and a ray of sunshine, said as he scanned us for potential weapons and diseases. “It’s just that you guys don’t exactly have the best track record with, like, not-ruining stuff.” He made us walk around the city in Hazmat suits as he continually sprayed us with Lysol.
We were mesmerized by the lack of dumpster fires and general panic on this new continent.
“As you can see, we’re really struggling to improve our cities,” Ryan Sunshine said, waving sadly at the most spotless city street we’ve ever seen. “See? Our cities aren’t that great, really. Trust us, you would NOT want to live here.”
Nearby, we heard the unnatural sound of children laughing. Everyone was gallivanting.
One particularly nervous-looking tribe member was quick to mention how things weren’t always so great. “We, uh, had some problems with a power-hungry sea witch a few years back,” he said. “It was horrible. She kept trying to manipulate us to support her own ego. You must not have any idea what that’s like.” He shuddered dramatically before adding that “it could happen again at any moment.”
Ryan Sunshine agreed that the Leaveusbe tribe was not without its faults.
“We’re especially bad when it comes to new people,” he said as he pushed us towards the submarine. “We’re really not that welcoming. In fact, I wouldn’t come back here for a while, if I were you. We just can’t handle your American-ness.”
Flattered, we promised the Leaveusbe tribe that we would be sure to visit again soon and with some staples of American culture: the Constitution, Beyonce’s “Lemonade” and cheesy tater tots.
In related news, NASA discovered seven new planets last week. Despite the giant signs reading “STAY AWAY USA,” we can’t wait to drop by soon.