JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Lampoonist
President Donald Trump’s inauguration was a little over a month ago, and since then, the horror story that has recently been our government has rightfully been coined, “too much power for too tiny of hands.” In fact, Trump’s interest in nuclear war has given many people nightmares, or as one elderly woman, who is a psychic, insisted, “horrifying glimpses into what will become our future.”
Tired of America’s failing democracy, many people have been looking for a safe way to leave the country. However, citizens have been concerned with the question of whether or not any place on earth is truly safe from Trump’s tirade.
With the discovery of seven new planets, NASA has released a statement:
“We have heard that many people are interested in leaving Earth for somewhere Trump-free. We are now selling pre-orders to Americans for space travel to new planets.”
After this announcement was released, Trump naturally tried to frame it as stupid.
“Why would you want to leave the best country in the world? I just don’t understand. Completely stupid. But by all means, go ahead. Leave! We don’t need you here anyway,” he said.
It was later discovered that Trump tried to pre-order a ticket but was denied one due to the fact that he has duties as president, and no one wants him there anyway.
One young man who submitted a pre-order was interviewed. The interviewer asked the man, “how do you know it’s really safe out there?”
The man smiled and responded, “I don’t. I just know there is no Trump out there.”
An update from NASA was released last night: “If you are interested in pre-ordering, do it soon! Pre-orders are almost sold out! A Trump-free planet is worth every penny!”
Prices for space travel start at 12 million, and so far over 400 pre-orders have been sold.