PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
Two weeks ago, a putrid and rotund boy slapped his mother in the face at an Alabama Golden Corral. He didn’t take inspiration from the famous Dr. Phil video, nor was he upset about the absence of fried chicken at the moment. He wanted what he couldn’t get: a Nintendo Switch.
The Nintendo Switch, according to its Wikipedia page, is the 7th major home console developed by the company. The console is essentially a tablet that you can take mobile from the TV set in your living room. This means that you can essentially take it anywhere, even to your grave if you happen to get hit by a Mack truck while slaying monsters in “The Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild.”
Fans waited till midnight at GameStop stores nationwide for their very own console. Twenty-nine-year-old man Peety PeePaw relived the horrific experience he had via Facetime, from his residence in his parents’ basement closet.
“Oh, it was the most terrible thing these eyes have ever seen,” PeePaw said, borderline hyperventilating. “It was like the Donner party. We waited from noon to midnight and ran out of little gummy snacks. With the absence of snacks, a grown man started eating another man’s face off in front of us. The worst part was that the man without a face continued to play his Kirby game on his 3DS.”
One of our own Lampoon staff members decided to see what the hype was about with the system. After purchase, we plugged it into the TV and tested its capability as a system. Chaos ensued as members of the Lampoon aggressively fought over the tablet. One Lampoon member ripped their shirt off and screamed like a banshee until the windows shattered.
“It was in the heat of the moment. I really wanted to play Zelda. I also have a crippling addiction to angel dust so that probably contributed to my outburst,” Zacharia Williamson said.
The system performed beautifully, but the realization that it couldn’t play any games other than highly colorful fantasy kids games made it hard to keep going.
“The system has great specs. I love how I can bring it anywhere I go, but I can’t play ‘Call of Duty’ nor can I send unsolicited dick pictures to all my girlfriends, so needless to say I’m disappointed,” resident weirdo Hanson Manson said.
Overall, the Lampoon gives the new Nintendo Switch 10 satisfactory-head-nods out of 10 (with a sprinkle of angel dust).