PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
There are many things that are flat: a garlic and herb Triscuit cracker, a tabletop and a frat member’s head after his bro hits him with a sledgehammer during a 5-day bender. Now, according to top science officials including Shaquille O’Neal, B.O.B. and Kyrie Irving, the Earth is flat.
Folks over at NASA were outraged yet excited to hear this claim. NASA has plans to actually launch these high officials higher into space.
“When we first heard that our boy Shaq and the greatest rapper alive, B.O.B., said that the Earth is flat we were obviously questioning their beliefs. We thought to ourselves, ‘How can we convert these goons into thinking that the Earth is actually round?’ So, we are announcing a Chiavetta’s chicken barbecue to raise funds to launch them into space,” head NASA man Donny Bojangles said.
The Chiavetta’s barbecue will be held at local American Legions and high school gymnasiums nationwide. After the barbecue announcement, people crept out of their caves to express their thoughts.
Neil Degrasse Tyson, resident Twitter lord and man with People magazine’s distinction of “Sexiest Astrophysicist Alive” in 2000, was quick to refute Shaq’s claims.
“My advice would be for him to stick with what he knows. What he knows is swishing buckets and acting in such wonderful roles, such as a the genie in ‘Kazaam.’ Great film. I speak for everyone when I say that we desperately need a ‘Kazaam 2,’” Tyson said, in-between coincidentally named bites of Tyson food’s premium-cut chicken tenders.
Popular journalist Anderson Cooper was completely disappointed to hear statements that the Earth is flat.
“It’s just. So sad. These men are so vital to our American infrastructure, and without them, we as a nation would surely fail,” Cooper said, in-between nervous strokes of his signature white hair.
Kyrie Irving expressed utmost excitement about his journey into space.
“Man, I could use a vacation to be honest. I just can’t wait to seize the opportunity to post a snap story while I’m floating in zero gravity. Earth is gonna look so flat man. Wait, they do have WiFi in space right?” The Cleveland Cavaliers point guard said.
The members aboard NASA’s proposed rocket launch will each be rightfully equipped with the newest Yeezy boots and a signature Givenchy space suit that has access to Instagram and Snapchat in order to keep their followers stimulated.