ZOE KIRIAZIS
Guest Lampoonist
Sunday, March 5, 2017
A noise complaint was made in Eisenhower Hall at 7:42 p.m. after three large thuds were heard on the second floor. An R.A came to investigate the noise and discovered a resident who was repeatedly throwing their textbooks and school work around their room, murmuring the words, “I’m done with this week already” under their breath.
Another noise complaint was made at 1:49 a.m. that same night in Eisenhower Hall after the sound of loud crying was heard all the way from Grissom Hall.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Liz Lemonade was charged with disturbing the peace after she discovered her roommate stole the last lemon in the fridge. She was too thirsty to answer any questions.
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Ron Swenson was seen drinking skim milk at Cranston Marche after claiming in an interview that he hated skim milk more than lying. He later commented that skim milk is “water that’s lying about being milk.” A report was filed.
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
University Police were called after a peaceful protest got out of hand at the steps of Reed Library. Men lined up standing against International Women’s Day asking why International Men’s Day came after International Women’s Day. After bystanders pointed out why, protesters held a meeting lasting seven hours to configure the 2018 calendar to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
Thursday, March 9, 2017
A mysterious envelope was found at the entrance of Mason Hall at 3:31 p.m. A music student opened the envelope with a letter inside that read, “Music majors have the easiest major on campus.” Rumor has it that a riot is in the making for April 2017.
Friday, March 10, 2017
More than 40 students were found banging on the doors of Starbucks, the convenience store and Centre Pointe at 7:02 p.m. demanding these places to be open their normal hours for students who haven’t left for Spring Break. Twelve students were arrested by University Police blaming the refusal of arrest on their hungry, empty stomachs.