EMMA PATTERSON
Staff Lampoonist
In an apparent attempt to make being the President of the United States more exciting, Donald Trump has ordered the installation of a golf course behind the White House. Construction on the 18-hole golf course is set to begin sometime in the next month, presumably resulting in even more piles of dirt residing inside the White House. Somehow, the Lampoon was granted an exclusive interview with Trump and some of his White House staff, in which we discussed the golf course and everything else, except his actual plans for America’s future.
“And anyway, that’s why I hate ducks,” was the first thing Trump said as we arrived the day of our interview. As he showed us around the grounds, we eventually got to the construction site of the hour: Trump Golf Course.
Like all important presidential decisions, Trump’s decisions are made on the golf course.
“You know, I do the best thinking on golf courses,” he said, fondly surveying the expanse of dirt in front of him. “I think the best thoughts. Really. It’s where I came up with Trump Steaks.”
When questioned as to why he wants a full 18-hole golf course behind the White House, Trump was eager to explain himself.
“I can’t just travel away from the White House every weekend to play golf — uh, I mean, to attend meetings,” he said. “People are getting suspicious, I mean anxious, to hear some of my plans for the country.”
One of his advisers was quick to clarify. “Instead of pretending to do president-y things out on random golf courses, now he’s going to pretend in his own home.”
The Lampoon received an extremely rare glimpse of Trump playing golf on his partially finished golf course during our visit.
“That’s ten points,” he said when his golf ball accidentally flew through a window of the White House behind him. His advisers clapped around him, each carrying small baby putters.
“He doesn’t like to play alone,” one of them said, adjusting the football helmet on his head.
After politely declining Trump’s invitation to play, we asked Trump the question on everybody’s mind: what’s his next move as president?
“I’m thinking of installing a horseshoe court,” he said, eliciting terrified glances from his staff. “That’s what this country needs right now: me throwing heavy objects around dignitaries and various world leaders.”