PATRICE DOLLAR SIGNS
Staff Lampoonist
Sunday, March 26, 2017
4 p.m. The tumultuous noise of pop-punk was heard blaring out of a student’s car. A ticket of $1 million was issued. The perpetrator will see their day in court.
6:30 p.m. A man with flaming red dreadlocks was arrested for conspiracy to play a song on the ukulele outside of Mason Hall. After a warranted body cavity search, 50 tabs of DMT were found in the man’s rump. Unfortunately, before it was too late, he’d flown away.
Monday, March 27, 2017
12:45 p.m. A man outside of Thompson Hall was issued a cease and desist order for selling expired deodorant. As the man attempted to flee from University Police, he dropped a long list of his favorite things. Unfortunately, he didn’t have a pixie haircut and wasn’t obligated to babysit the Von Trapp family. The man was promptly fired at with a taser into a state of unconsciousness.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
10:22 p.m. A female sophomore boisterously claiming it was “Tuesday brewsday” was arrested for attempting to funnel a case of Natty Daddy beverage. Her friend, “Destiny from Eisenhower,” was also taken into custody for being annoying as hell. Like, would you shut up for once Destiny? Jesus!
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
9:30 a.m. Two students were caught dry humping on the top of Mason Hall. Unfortunately, only one student was arrested since the other was humped off the building to their demise. An open-casket funeral service will be held at EBC West with $1 drink specials all night.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
1 p.m. During an abnormal psychology lecture a junior named Bubba G was escorted out of class to a CiCi’s all-you-can-eat pizza buffet after having a major existential crisis. Unfortunately, Bubba had an even greater existential crisis after realizing the establishment had closed due to black mold and customer dissatisfaction.
10:01 p.m. A sophomore with a name spelled in all capital letters, TRENT, was found in the showers sobbing and holding a ruler with a line of marker at the three-inch mark. Upon further investigation, University Police deemed the real length to be a little under a half of an inch. The student was taken into custody for failure to measure oneself properly.
Friday, March 31, 2017
8:17 p.m. Two female students were fighting over the same man in the Williams Center MPR. University Police broke up the fight by issuing them the coveted “Maria’s Pizza ticket.” This ticket contractually obligates the students to publically fight at Maria’s Pizza. The purpose of this ticket is to ensure maximum Snapchat story coverage and public outrage.
2 p.m. A freshman named Billy BooYa III was viciously handcuffed in the middle of his University calculus class for conspiracy to throw a steel chair through the window upon failing his midterm. As BooYa was escorted into the back of a police car, he muttered the words “I stay woke. I’m getting mine.”