EMMA PATTERSON
Staff Lampoonist
Fredonia’s decision to change “Dead Week” to “Study Weeks” caused a mild sensation on campus this past week. The name change apparently stemmed from a desire to take a negative connotation away from the week that takes place before Finals Week, a time that usually consists of students crying in fetal positions, fighting off last-minute papers and projects and a general feeling of panic and misery. University officials claim that “Study Week” clearly implies bunnies and candy and rainbows instead of the usual self-loathing and misery. Obviously.
This isn’t the only name-change students should look out for, however. It was announced earlier today that “Finals Week” would be changed to the ambiguously less-threatening “Exam Week.” The Lampoon met with a University representative to learn more about the seemingly pointless name change.
“It’s all about mental association,” R. E. Dickulous said. “For example, when I hear the word ‘final,’ I automatically see an image of a graveyard in my mind — ‘final resting place’ and all that. No one wants to work when they’re dead. That’s a fact.” (It’s not.)
According to Dickulous, it’s essential to be overly sensitive to other people’s beliefs and experiences, especially given the current political climate.
“We’re trying to promote a welcoming, non-hostile image. The word ‘finals’ obviously goes against everything this school believes in,” Dickulous said.
Students were also quick to voice their own thoughts about the name change.
“My fragile constitution can’t handle words associated with death, dying, failure or spicy foods,” one student wrote in an anonymous Facebook post. “It hurts me and my future children when I hear words like ‘final.’ I applaud the University for their courageous effort to stop using the ‘f’ word.”
However, it seems that even “Exam Week” may soon be getting an upgrade.
“Dear God,” Dickulous said during our interview, his face turning white. “I just realized, ‘Exam’ has the prefix ‘-ex’, which means ‘out of’, which can be connected to the phrase ‘out of time’, which is often a theatrical way of saying someone is about to die, which can insult some students, which can lead to them feeling stressed out, which can lead to alcohol or marijuana use, which can lead to students dropping out of school, which can lead to them moving to an unnamed city in the middle of a desolate expanse of wheat, which can lead to them befriending an old crow for company, which they will then be forced to eat for food when the famine hits. Oh, God. This will happen to everyone if we don’t stop this thing. That’s a FACT.”
It’s really not, but we’re too offended by the crow thing to argue.