PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
Weighing in at 300 lbs and a towering height of 6 feet 10 inches, WWE’s token weird uncle, The Undertaker, has finally traded in his leather pants for gardening gloves.
Since The Undertaker retired from the WWE during the entertainment cash-grab that was “WrestleMania 30,” the man, whose real name is Ryan Seacrest, opened his flower boutique to the eclectic population of Houston, Texas.
“I never watched an episode of WWE programming, but my apartment was in dire need of a cute ass cactus plant. Where is their natural habitat again? Anyway, you have a Camel No. 9 on you I can bum?” local resident Ryan Cabrera said, wearing cheetah yoga pants.
The Undertaker’s flower shop is starting to gain serious traction with the yuppies that inhabit downtown Houston. When taking a quick tour of the establishment, you can really get a sense of the craft he’s been keeping secret for all these years.
“Yeah, I like to wear these pink overalls when I do my business,” said The Undertaker while steadily watering his plants, holding each rose bud with great solace. The Undertaker revealed some surprise secrets that attribute to his gardening skills.
“When I used to wake up, I was surrounded by these dark clouds that literally rained on me in my bed. Can you believe that? Precipitation in my own home. Anyway, I think why I’m so clear-minded now is because I don’t wear my signature black lace panties anymore. Those undergarments really clouded my environmental vision,” Undertaker added, sipping heavily on an iced coffee with two cream and two sugars. The Undertaker’s wife, Michelle McCool, had some choice words about her hubby’s newfound flower shop.
“He’s turned into this entirely different person. For the worse! He used to take me on motorcycle excursions around the country, spoonfeed me gourmet barbecue wings and even cheat on me once in awhile. Now he barely looks at me! I think he might be having an affair with that bitch of a hibiscus plant in the back of the shop,” McCool said.
Recently, it was announced that due to the success of his flower shop, The Undertaker would receive the key to the city of Houston. This honor was a complete surprise.
As the Undertaker went to accept the key to the city, no other than the man himself, John Cena, took over the mic, knelt to the floor and proposed to the other girlfriend he had before he met his current fiancee. The crowd erupted as she said yes.
The Undertaker had this to say, “I’m very proud of what my flower shop has accomplished. I’m proud of John Cena for getting engaged twice! And I’m honestly curious what this key opens up. Anybody know?” The Undertaker said between sips of Busch Light.