JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Lampoonist
The other day, word got around that someone in Reed Library was illegally selling drinks to students. As finals are surely but scarily approaching, one unknown shady man reportedly decided to sell espresso shots and energy drinks to students who were struggling to stay awake while studying for finals.
One librarian noticed that large groups of students were heading back toward the tall cubicles. The librarian has requested to remain anonymous due to concerns for their safety.
“I decided to follow them and noticed that a long line was formed. I went back to go tell my supervisor, but everyone had disappeared. I looked into all of the cubbies but didn’t see anyone,” said the librarian.
Who was this mystery man? No one has fessed up as to who the culprit is.
How do we know he existed? One student, who would like to remain nameless, reported passing out in the library after drinking two shots.
“I thought they were supposed to help me stay awake, not put me to sleep!” they said, slumping over into his next slumber.
“It was a scam! Some man took my money and promised that I’d be able to finish all of my studying, but I wasn’t able to,” said another witness.
Even with multiple customers, no one has been able to make out the details of his face.
In fact, many people are curious as to find out who this shady man is.
“The more I think about it, the more I think how my shot of espresso tasted. It kinda tasted like hot water,” student Michael Kelso said. “I didn’t see his face though, cause he said not to look at him.”
Does anyone know who this man was? Was his business a sham?
“I heard he’s coming back!” Jackie, Kelso’s girlfriend, said. “I want to find out who this man is!”
“No, I didn’t hear about him,” student Eric Forman said. “Why didn’t they just buy drinks from the C-store or cafe?”
His friend Hyde responded to him, “Cause those places are out of the way and are expensive. God, Forman!”
According to rules written by the Student Association, it is illegal to sell drinks in Reed Library without permission. However, if no one is watching, then apparently you can get away with it.