PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
After being caught having sexual relations with multiple dinosaurs in the Science Center, freshman biology major Winky Houdini passed out from exhaustion last week. This exhaustion, according to doctors, wasn’t caused by prehistoric coitus but rather a tough workload this semester. Upon further investigation, the workload wasn’t deemed coincidental.
At Fredonia, professors, adjunct or otherwise, have formed a coalition to make students’ lives a miserable hell. This coalition, named “Don’t Underestimate My Power,” or D.U.M.P. has successfully wrecked countless GPAs and even long-lasting relationships.
“I started out my semester like anyone else. I would go to class, do my homework, verbally abuse my roommate and then crack a cold one with my boys. Now? I can’t even walk. My professor broke my legs in lecture because I didn’t know a simple equation. Now I crack cold ones using my wheelchair,” junior accounting major Horace Johnson said.
The Lampoon sought the cold, hard truth and opted to attend the weekly D.U.M.P. meeting on the third floor of Thompson Hall. Smoke poured out of the room as a laser light show illuminated the laughing faces of evil. Head speaker and communication professor Donna Hemsworth was first to speak.
“We are trying our very best here,” Hemsworth said, in-between puffs of a wine Black and Mild. “We are trying our best to ruin these kids. Do they really think they aren’t having a test next week? We need to hit these kids with test-induced existential dread. Let’s do five tests in one day,” Hemsworth said as teachers erupted with joyous yelps and bites of Tim Hortons’ signature TimBits.
The incognito journalist that sought answers from the meeting was figured out immediately and then given a test of his very own knowledge.
“You’re a fraud! What do you even teach? Name three people you know here!” hollered Beatrice Pennywise, an adjunct English professor.
“You better use a No. 2 pencil for that one, buddy,” Pennywise added.
Students across campus didn’t even know that D.U.M.P. existed until they were formally informed through a various string of hate-fueled tweets.
“Dump? Yeah I took one this morning. What’s it to you?” fraternity brother Chaddy Mulan said.
“I’m so shook right now. I have three tests on Thursday, and my girlfriend wants me to take her out to a nice steak dinner. I’m just gonna make this easier for both of us and break up with her,” concerned ladies man Bobby Noname said.
The fact of the matter is that D.U.M.P. continues to make students’ lives a miserable hell. The only way to ease yourself is to take a nice soothing breath and do work, son.