EMMA PATTERSON
Staff Lampoonist
As World War III (most likely) approaches, this list is the No. 1 survival guide you should have in your back pocket/fanny pack/weapon holster. You never know when you’re going to need a little help surviving the pre-apocalypse!
- Replace your water supply with bleach in order to outsmart potential thieves. Just dump all of your water down the drain, where only the mole people can get it. Your dehydrated family can just suck it up in the name of justice.
- Join forces with a local bear so you have your own bodyguard. Obviously, your fellow man will eventually turn against you, so it’s always good to have some backup in the form of a hungry and aggressive grizzly bear.
- Lock yourself in the basement for 20 years with only Gatorade and Netflix to keep you company. Emerge every 20 years, survey the wreckage and crawl back into the bunker. Repeat this process until you eventually die due to an electrolyte overdose.
- Use the rest of your meager savings to buy every dog you can find. Stock your food shelves with dog food. Live a relatively happy life, all things considered.
- Sell your organs online and make a wad of cash so you can really go crazy on that end-of-the-world trip to Atlantic City.
- Find a way to generate your own electricity. It’s essential that you always have access to a phone charger. Who else is gonna Snapchat the explosion of the moon or the complete downfall of human civilization? DJ Khaled!?
- Come up with an escape plan. Share it with everyone you know. Inadvertently cause a mass exodus toward Disney World.
- Try to make weapons out of ordinary household objects, such as spoons, air freshener, hair dryers and light bulbs.
- Prepare yourself for the imminent rise of the mole people by holing yourself inside a cave for three years with only dirt and onion bulbs to eat. Deprive yourself of sunlight and human contact. Never check Twitter. Basically, become Shrek.
- For those who prefer the finer things in life, here’s a crash course to surviving in a butler-free world: when you mix soap and water together, you can clean things! Like dishes! And clothes! Speaking of, here’s another thing: ditch the dishes and clothes. This is World War III, not a 12-course dinner party.