JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Lampoonist
TSA officers have been stationed at bathrooms across the nation to ensure that citizens must use the bathroom to which their genitalia matches, regardless of their individual gender expression.
Bathrooms where TSA officers are stationed are barely being used, however. Reporters have asked people why they are not using these bathrooms.
“I don’t like it,” Sissy White said. “I go to use the bathroom and before I can even get in, a TSA officer man grabs me by the pussy.”
White continued, “It should not be okay to do that to a woman without her permission. I mean, unless he plans on running for president. Then no one will care, but yeah,” she said while chomping on her gum rather loudly.
Some men in question had similar responses about disliking it when “other dudes were grabbing at their crotches.”
Even if you have the “right” genitalia, you still might not get access to the bathroom, however.
“I was turned away,” Joe Broe said angrily, adding in an uncomfortably deep voice, “Apparently I don’t look ‘manly enough,’ whatever that means.”
“I thought I was supposed to feel safer but now I just feel violated,” Stefanie Bascick said. “How am I supposed to fix my makeup in the mirror when there are males now in the ladies room who are awkwardly watching me? I mean I got one of their numbers, but still. Like, we should be in different bathrooms.”
“I pissed on the floor,” Jonah Arke said. “They wanted to examine me before I got into the room, and I couldn’t hold it any more. So when I took out my johnson ‘cause I didn’t feel like waiting for a pat down, but they still said I needed to wait in line to be ‘examined,’ I had no choice but to piss outside the restroom on the floor.”
Other men have followed Jonah’s lead. One man even pissed on a TSA officer’s hand when he was trying to examine him.
Less and less people have been wanting to go to the bathrooms with TSA officers.
“I used to feel like the bathroom was a safe place, where I could go to escape creepy stalkers and to freshen up to look hot for the guy I work with, but now it’s like I’m waiting through security to board a plane, and for what cause?” one young woman asked.
In fact, many people have started questioning the purpose of this law and the TSA officers’ stations.
“Aren’t there more important issues for these officers to be concerned with?!” Veri Bright said.
“I was all for this idea until I realized what a hassle it is for me to go pee. This bull crap is a waste of my tax dollars,” Dick Furbrain said.
So there you have it — many people are unsatisfied with the TSA officers stations. If you want to see an end to what many are calling a useless law, then visit our webpage and sign a petition. Act now before you are subject to the pat down!