PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
In a surprising turn of events, the popular airline you associate with humiliating assault, United Airlines, has taken a tip from PepsiCo advertising in serving the cold drink to help eliminate onboard violence. United Airlines CEO Boris Dilitant had much to say about the airline’s newest strategy.
“I’ve always enjoyed a cold Pepsi cola after a long day at work. When I’m fighting with my wife, I crack a cold Pepsi cola. When my kid misses an easy home run in tee-ball, I crack a Pepsi cola. I figure that if people are traveling on my airline and they crack Pepsi cola themselves, they can truly feel the bliss and sugar course through their veins. Perhaps this strategy will eliminate the onboard violence that has recently been in the news,” Dilitant said, coincidentally drinking a Pepsi out of a can.
Supermodel Kendall Jenner was surprised to hear that United Airlines had taken notes from her beautiful and culturally relevant Pepsi ad.
“When I first heard that they are like using Pepsi as a, like, way to stop fighting and stuff, I was super pumped — I was so pumped that I decided to buy a yacht, sail the Italian sea and go scuba diving with all of my friends. I charged them gas money for my yacht! It’s my way of giving back,” Jenner said in an interview conducted over a live Instagram stream.
While Jenner seemed grateful for her commercial being used in a positive light, students at Fredonia were outraged. Various protests were held in and out of the Tim Hortons in the Williams Center.
“I’m so pissed! The Pepsi corporation’s systematic usage of oppression on us human beings just drives me to drink,” sophomore accounting major Chelsea Indigo said while sipping on a freshly chilled margarita.
Other students went as far as actually tipping over any and all vending machines that dispensed the cold flavor of Pepsi.
“These vending machines gotta go. Pepsi is whack as hell! I really don’t know what I’m doing or what I’m on, but I just feel it in my bones,” senior Brent Beckham said.
When it came time to actually see the results of the usage of Pepsi to lower violence rates on board, the numbers came in, and scientists were shook. The drink had actually lowered the rate of violence but unfortunately increased the rate of obesity- and diabetes-ridden passengers on board.
United Airlines will continue to use the Pepsi strategy, as they call it, to keep the peace.