TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Lampoon Editor
While on guard duty at an underground camp outside of Rorikstead, a video game bandit was the victim of a gruesome attack, having an arrow lodged in his head by an unknown assailant.
The arrow seems to have caused brain damage to the victim, as he believes his injury doesn’t exist and that what he experienced was just a mere gust of wind.
The bandit, who wishes to remain anonymous, has no clue that his injury is as serious as it is, causing some of his friends to become concerned for his wellbeing.
“I saw him over by the fire pit at first. Something must have startled him because the next thing I know, he jolted up, drew his dagger and wandered down a tunnel as if he was searching for something,” said Ragnar the Red, a friend of the bandit. “I heard him say ‘must have just been the wind’ before calming down. His response was odd because we were in a cave and caves don’t really have wind, especially as deep down as we were. Once he came back into the light of the fire, I was horrified, but he just brushed the thing off like it was nothing, the stubborn bastard.”
The bandit has since been living his life as if nothing has changed. He continues to join his friends in caravan looting, village sacking and extorting money from helpless travelers. They’ve called this technique the “toll road” and claimed that it was inspired by the New York State Thruway Authority.
“I’ll tell you, this is the way to live. I’ve never been so rich in my entire life,” said the bandit from his fur tent in the dark cave while viciously bleeding from his wounds.
The assailant has been described as mute, armed with a literal arsenal of weapons and extremely dangerous. He holds leadership titles in the local chapter of the Dark Brotherhood and the Thieves Guild, as well as being the Headmaster at the College of Winterhold and a Thane to every Jarl in the province of Skyrim.
“I saw him once! He took down a dragon all by himself, then he sucked the soul out of it! Not in the gross way though, so I should probably phrase that better,” said a random bystander with a bottle of Skooma in his hand.
If you encounter this dangerous individual, do not pursue him, because he will kill you, and he’ll be able to avoid justice one way or another because that’s just how being a protagonist works.