JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Lampoonist
After being banned from campus for a week, the plastic bags have taken revenge. Using Fredonia’s windy weather to their advantage, the plastic bags started attacking innocent pedestrians.
We were able to get a brief comment from one of the plastic bags about the attacks before he blew away.
When asked why he strangled a girl to death, he responded, “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?” We are unsure if he was remorseful, and we were unable to catch him as he blew away right after.
However, the baggage that came from these attacks was one heavy load.
One man was choking up. “I thought I wasn’t going to make it,” he said, wiping back tears, “and I just want to say how sorry I am. I deserve it for ripping that plastic bag last week.”
The man had almost been choked to death by a plastic bag. Not one year earlier this man had tried to off himself using a plastic bag — the irony.
Local environmentalists have responded to the crisis with smug disdain.
“I don’t like plastic bags and I’m not afraid to say it! I prefer using paper bags,” crunchy hippie Ivanka Sklump said.
Shortly after she made this statement she was pinned down by five plastic bags. We couldn’t do much to help, so we sat and watched. One of the bags said, “You’re bad for the environment, bitch!”
The attacks went on for a week. People went on with their daily lives and continued to not care about the plastic bags, like they don’t care about the environment. People were reportedly seen starting to use them again to carry beer and groceries. The plastic bags seemed satisfied.