KILGORE TROUT
Guest Lampoonist
MONDAY, APRIL 24, 2017
10:12 a.m. A student was reportedly engaging in lewd behavior outside of University Commons. Upon investigation, it became clear that to University Police that, while some would consider it “art,” that doesn’t mean indecent exposure isn’t a misdemeanor, either. Devon Weazon was charged with, well, yeah.
6:45 p.m. University Police received a report of a hit-and-run on Academic Avenue. Upon arriving at the scene, respondents realized that they had been fooled, and a team of burglars were attempting to break into the underground jewel vault beneath Gregory Hall. Upon returning to Gregory Hall, Jam McStag, age 21, was charged with conspiracy to commit heist film and driving with an expired license.
TUESDAY, APRIL 25, 2017
4:30 p.m. Morrie Kahar, age 21, had reportedly locked himself in the President’s Office in Fenton Hall upon realizing that he forgot to go to his 2 p.m. literally this entire semester. Upon arrest, the subject claimed he was attempting to “hack into the mainframe” and change his grade to at least a D+.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26, 2017
9:19 p.m. An RA in an undisclosed residence hall was reportedly acting strangely. Tavish McGreber, age 20, was discovered to be a collection of squirrels operating a suit designed to look like a human being, which is not technically illegal by human law, but the squirrels were identified and declared fursona non grata.
THURSDAY, APRIL 27, 2017
2:12 p.m. Fredonia Police requested assistance with a domestic dispute at an undisclosed house off-campus. Adaline Pharrell, age 20, would reportedly not stop singing the “and they don’t stop coming” part of Smash Mouth’s “All Star” for at least 16 minutes. Subject was charged with inappropriate use of memes and advised.
11:45 p.m. University Police received a report that students were attempting to begin Fred Fest a day early by enjoying some drinks at a small get-together in their own homes. Cookie “Cook” Catbins, age 21, and Katherine O’Blonner, age 21, were charged with disrespecting calendars and really stretching the definition of “weekend” out.
FRIDAY, APRIL 28, 2017
12:01 a.m. One minute into Fred Fest weekend, fourteen students (all on The Leader staff) were arrested and charged with open container, violating the sewer ordinance, violating the noise ordinance, fighting in Calio’s, underage possession of alcohol, illegal possession of fireworks and littering. The subjects were advised to take a chill pill.
2:30 p.m. As the hordes of Fred Fest descended onto town, several village residents attempted to tie balloons to their houses a la “Up” and fly away. Drunken mobs were seen grabbing all of the balloons, attempting to inhale the helium, inhaling the balloons instead and ending up in the emergency room.
4 p.m. Logs from this point in the evening forward have been lost, as drunken mobs descended on the Fredonia Police station demanding that they be allowed to pee outdoors. In the hilarious scuffle that ensued, Tribeca Lassiter, age 21, was discovered to have eaten several pages of the log in a stupor. 312 people were charged with obstruction of justice and being really, really dumb.
SATURDAY, APRIL 29, 2017
12:32 a.m. Ember Lattice, age 21, was denied entry into several undisclosed downtown locations after presenting staff with an out-of-state ID. This isn’t illegal but, geez, that’s gotta suck!
2:12 p.m. University Police received a report of strange lights in the village. Upon investigation, the entirety of Canadaway Street, normally engulfed by a sea of partiers, had been Raptured to who knows where, leaving only overturned port-a-potties in their place.
6:40 p.m. Connor Coughman, age 21, was reportedly scaling the walls of Maytum Hall in an attempt to beat “that last guy’s record.” Witnesses at the scene reported being confused about what he meant, and how he would break a record by climbing a wall, anyway.
SUNDAY, APRIL 30, 2017
7:20 a.m. Survivors of Fred Fest on Central Avenue reported that the Fredonia sign had been moved, in its entirety, to an unknown location, aside from the first “F,” with a student passed out nearby. Holland Jerry, age 21, was charged as an accessory to vandalism. Upon awakening, subject attempted his longest “yeah boy” ever, managing a meager 26 seconds before passing out again. A report was filed.
7:45 a.m. Gordon Pitterson, age 21, was charged with attempting to sell the entire “Fredonia” sign (sans F) on Craigslist for “cold ones.”