JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Lampoonist
It was a bizarre day Aug. 21. Early in the morning lightning struck Old Main Drive, almost killing one student who had been stumbling back to campus, drunk. One might think Ben Frenklyn was lucky to escape the lightning, but that very same day he went blind.
Now, as he applies for disability, he does not feel so lucky, and neither do the other millions of Americans who are also applying. If none of these instances are related to the early morning thunderstorm, then what could have caused this strange phenomena?
Some students believe it was because some colleges started classes that day.
“Maybe the universe is trying to tell colleges not to cut into our summertime,” one girl said.
While this is a solid theory, young children and adults alike fell victim, meaning that this is not punishment for getting an education.
“Maybe our phones are attacking us!” a male student said while intensely playing World of Warcraft.
Nothing seemed to make sense until one science student at Fredonia, Bill Nine, suggested this was caused by the solar eclipse. Others were skeptical though, as they were not sure how looking at a solar eclipse could make one go blind.
“Just look at our president,” one older white male said, “Donald Trump didn’t go blind and he was looking directly at the solar eclipse! If he was doing it, it must have been okay.”
Scientists decided to look into this theory after a survey found that 98% of the people who took it had watched the eclipse without protective glasses. It is believed that 2% of the people were already blind before taking the survey.
The next day there was breaking news: “Scientists have discovered that the solar eclipse is dangerous to our eyesight, and may indeed cause one to go blind if stared at for a decent amount of time.” People were outraged after hearing this.
“Why didn’t we know this information ahead of time?” cried one woman who was extremely upset as she was needing to file disability for her 7-year-old son. She was responded to by an older gentleman.
“I knew ahead of time,” said the older gentleman, Bertie Saunders. No one ever listened to him because it seemed like he was a crazy talker. “If all of you had only listened to me,” he wisely said as he shook his head.