EMMA PATTERSON
Assistant Lampoon Editor
Monday, August 28, 2017
Thirty-eight students were rushed to Lograsso Hall in a blind panic Sunday evening, each complaining of sore eyes and sunspots. When one student was asked why he ignored the near-constant warnings circulating the internet about the eclipse, he could only choke out, “at least my Snapchat is lit” before collapsing, most likely until 2024. On the bright side, most students were smart enough to apply sunblock where the sun don’t shine, so at least these poor souls won’t have any trouble sitting down.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Twelve students were found passed out in front of Igoe Hall at around 7:14 a.m. Whether they were intoxicated or simply exhausted from the trek down the longest sidewalk known to man, onlookers agree that it was a “sad yet hilarious” sight to see.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Connor McArthur, 29, was found living in an air vent (and with an abnormally-long Duck Dynasty-esque beard) in Thompson Hall. Despite his malnutrition and his assurances that he is “really, really late to Anthropology,” McArthur is expected to make a full recovery.
Police squashed a student-led uprising against the “one crappy flavor of Ben & Jerry’s” in the C-store Friday night. One officer was heard saying how she “has never seen college students so passionate about something,” while another was heard exclaiming “when the hell is this week going to end!?”
University Police discovered a student-run ring of hypnotists underneath Reed Library. The students were allegedly attempting to hypnotize professors into a semester-long syllabus week. They were given 40 hours of community service, but are being lauded as vigilantes.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
University Police responded to a disturbance in the Fenton Hall parking lot early Thursday morning. Eight students were found living in makeshift tents in the parking spaces closest to the building. When the police attempted to remove the students, they hurled cans of refried beans and suspicious-smelling canteens in protest. But hey — more spots for us!
Friday, September 1, 2017
Three professors were charged with inaccurate meme-referencing. They were informed of their errors and instructed to leave the depressing, self-deprecating humor to the professionals: their students.
Campus police responded to a noise complaint in Disney Hall at 6:42 p.m. Friday evening. Fourteen students, in an apparent attempt to “protest September,” stood in a circle chanting the lyrics to “Wake Me Up When September Ends” while barbecuing and talking about how short summer felt. A second police squad was sent at 8:33 p.m. when it was discovered that the initial officers were busy “enjoying some cold ones” by the parking lot bonfire.
Saturday, September 2, 2017
Megan O’Leary, 19, was issued a cease and desist in Mason Hall after claiming one too many times how “life-changing” her study abroad experience was, how she made lifelong friends in China, how the food is so much better there than in the US, yadda yadda yadda. Needless to say, her cease and desist was not met with protest.
Sunday, September 3, 2017
Matthew Mooney, 20, and Sam Suns, 21, were both arrested when they broke into a fist fight Sunday afternoon. According to eyewitnesses, Mooney threw the first punch when Suns cut him in line in Cranston Marche. One could even say Mooney was…eclipsed by Suns. [NOTE: The author of this piece spontaneously combusted as soon as she finished writing. She was apparently smited by God due to the unholy amount of eclipse jokes in her article. What a shame.]