TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Lampoon Editor
In our turbulent world, one message has come across loud and clear: under no circumstance is it okay to physically harm anybody. Especially if that person believes himself/herself to be part of some superior master race. Punching a Nazi is just as bad as the genocidal beliefs of the Nazi party, obviously.
This message resonated with many people, apparently, as game developer MachineGames has issued an apology for ever rebooting the “Wolfenstein” franchise. In the official apology, the developers admitted to their game being “immoral and wrong,” and that the development of “Wolfenstein: The New Colossus” will cease to continue.
“At MachineGames, we strive to make fun games for people of all ages. We believed that ‘Wolfenstein’ would be one of those games. We now realize that the brutal killing of Nazis is just plain wrong. We don’t know what we were thinking. It is 2017, after all,” said Steven Summers, the lead artist designer.
Further in the press release, it is revealed that the inspiration for this retraction was from “Call of Duty: WWII’s” lack of Nazi symbolism.
“We noticed that the team at Sledgehammer Games wasn’t relying on killing Nazis to make a living, and their game is based on historical accuracy. We decided that if they can take the high road while remaining historically accurate, so can we,” the official release stated.
Sledgehammer responded with a press release of their own. The entire transcript of Sledgehammer’s press release is available for your reading pleasure
“Dude, we just did that because we’re lazy. Do you realize how much time it would have taken to make a censored version for German players?”
Further in the bowels of MachineGames’ statement lies plans for the next installment of the “Wolfenstein” franchise. To aid healing the damage they’ve caused, their next game will focus on the life of a typical soldier of the Reich. The goal is to show that some Nazis are actually nice and genuinely good people.
“You will live the life of a very fine soldier of the Reich, living a very fine life. Our hope is that this will shed some light and humanity on a severely misunderstood people,” said Summers.
Features of the game include patrolling raiding buildings for enemies of the state, playing with puppies and handing out candy to children.
“Wolfenstein: The New Perspective” is slated to release on Sept. 2, 2017.