EMMA PATTERSON
Assistant Lampoon Editor
Many southern states announced last week that all confederate statues and monuments will be replaced with ‘90s television stars over the next few days. This announcement was met with little-to-no controversy as a representative from the White House explained the reason behind the statue replacement.
“This is merely an effort to reconnect Americans with the people who really made a difference in our lives,” he said, his “Make America seasons 2-6 of ‘The Simpsons’ again” hat causing more controversy than the actual announcement.
Supporters of the ‘90s statues came in droves in order to watch the unveiling of the new, totally tubular statues. One supporter, Tommy Tomatoes, brought his entire family to South Carolina to celebrate the new “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” statue.
“If there’s anything I’ve learned since the election, it’s that pop-culture and the national government just mix,” he said. “Honestly, who doesn’t want Buffy to represent our beautiful country? She’s tough, she’s strong and she can sure maim a vampire.”
If possible, even larger crowds were seen at the unveiling of the Chandler Bing statue, causing Donald Trump to roll in his porcelain toilet/grave. The statue portrays a young Chandler sitting on the “Friends” couch with a sarcastic expression on his face. “Could America BE any greater?” is engraved across the bottom of the statue, which proved to be a fantastic photo-op for citizens and government officials alike.
The Daria unveiling in Kentucky also saw large crowds, most notably the pro-statue group titled “What Ever Happened to Predictability?” The group’s leader, Rachel Red, expressed her own goals for the future of ‘90s television statues.
“I’ve always thought the Statue of Liberty looked a little lonely,” she said, her eyes glazing over with ‘90s nostalgia and hairspray haze from her “Rachel” haircut. “We could give her a friend, someone who signifies freedom and independence. Oh, and somebody who has a luxurious head of hair.”
Rachel Red’s dreams will apparently come true in a few weeks; it was recently announced that a 300-foot statue of the incomparable Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) will be erected directly across from the Statue of Liberty. Tickets to the once-in-a-lifetime unveiling have already been sold, but worry not: The event will be broadcast across all social media, as well as accidentally taped over your mom’s recording of “One Life to Live.” Eh, it’s worth it.