PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
As of last week, Fredonia students embarking on their daily walk from McEwen to the Williams Center will now be offered more gnarly, shred-tastic and tubular spots to skateboard as the pathway has become a full-blown skatepark.
Officials at Fredonia have become outraged at the recent turn of events. The pathway where construction is underway is now laden with rails, half pipes, sick jumps and a little fire hydrant for students to accidentally bail on to become infertile.
“Doctors said I’ll never have children, I guess that’s cool. Kids are so yesterday,” skater boy and freshman biology major Richard Wang said, between flips of his long golden locks.
Skaters on Fredonia’s campus are abundant as enrollment has been up, according to a recent article on CNN. With enrollment being the highest it’s ever been in a century, skaters have flocked to the new skatepark to show off their fresh sneakers (paid for by student loans) and awesome tricks.
“Did he just nail that boardslide 180 twist to nollie laser flip 360 darkslide?” sophomore sociology major Denise Muffintop said, in awe of the recent show of tricks.
As the skatepark flourishes, class attendance has reached an all time low at Fredonia.
“Where the hell do these kids go at the time of their classes? Do they still go to the creek and snort DMT? Are they catching up with homework? They’re skating? Are you kidding me?!” exclaimed calculus professor Anita Johnson, in-between sips of a chilled blueberry caffeine-free tea.
The installment of the skatepark was the biggest bamboozle in Fredonia State’s history. Head construction worker and real see-you-next Tuesday, Biggie Snake-style, had much to say about the multiple bribes he received to overturn original construction plans.
“Well, I started my day off with a breakfast sandwich from a gas station and got a call from some dude named Petey Pipin’em. He told me this long elaborate idea he had about changing our construction plans. Originally we were building a dragon statue that appeased the nordic gods of Sarzengard; it shot flames out its mouth and everything. Really cool stuff. Anyway, he said he’d give me five bucks if I changed the original plan so I did just that. Pretty proud of the results,” Snake-style said, before passing away from high cholesterol.
At the skatepark, students are able to be who they are, wear what they want, and most importantly, do really cool tricks. At a recent skating tournament, freshman and self-proclaimed “female body inspector” Donny Sherbet took home the grand prize of a nugget of marijuana and a sort-of-used condom.
“I’m really happy about my win. I’m stoked as hell to get back to my dorm, blaze up, and watch Rick and Morty. Oh, I skateboard? Dude, sick,” Sherbet said.
Despite a spike in low attendance, students’ GPAs have been the highest they’ve ever been. Many would attribute higher GPA to sick styles and great skating on campus overall.