PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
The most decorated fight in United States history happened last week. It wasn’t the highly televised and clear cash grab that was the Mayweather-McGregor fight, but rather the fight between hurricane Irma and Jose. Jose ultimately lost the fight as brony and President Donald Trump banned the hurricane using a high-grade militaristic magnetic force field wall.
“It’s just disgusting that hurricane Jose didn’t even have a chance to make my life a living hell. These people in Texas lost everything, and I’m not even given that opportunity? Horse crap! I’d like to treat Donald Trump to my wife’s slowly roasted pork-loin. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever tasted in my life,” Floridian resident Desmond Spurlock said while watering his alligator.
Tensions and water levels began to rise as hurricane Irma went hard as a mother trucker, and Jose was stuck chilling in the Atlantic. Sources say he did have a RoKu box with WiFi and HBO Go, prime for binge watching the latest season of Game of Thrones.
“He literally like, oh my god, literally looks like, so sad and stuff. I just want to give him a big hug and take him out to this super hot new club with my girls called ‘Desire.’ He could really tear up the dancefloor,” Sigma Alpha Delta pledge Tammy Jenkins said, oozing with naivety.
Since hurricane Jose was banned from the country, Donald Trump was met with many confrontational questions about his decision. Trump was very explicit about his reasoning.
“When you have a hurricane as, well, how do I put it, ‘Mexican’ as Jose is, you have to put your foot down. We as American people cannot sit around and let a hurricane of this magnitude steal the jobs from our loyal and hardworking Americans. I had to take initiative and hit the button on that high-grade militaristic magnetic force field wall to put Jose in his goddamn place!” Trump screamed to the press. Shortly after, Trump was spotted shotgunning a Keystone Ice and shoveling down a Mighty Taco combo meal, consequently resulting with category four Hershey squirts.
The creator of the force field wall, Petey Pipen’em, was distraught to hear the use of his creation.
“My parents were staunch dead-heads so they taught me the meaning of love through daily micro doses of LSD. It’s truly disgusting that President Trump has turned my countless hours of research and dedication into a monster. Hurricane Jose is a storm just like the rest of us. Beautiful storms,” Pipen’em said between, assumingly, the fourth bong rip of California Marijuana.
As hurricane season continues wreaking havoc, Jose continues to relish in solitude. A recent interview with Jose spilled all the beans.
“I’m good. I really am. I’ve been working out, eating well, I even have a girlfriend from the Caribbean who cooks me delicious cuisine. She’s wonderful. I think being banned from the U.S. is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.”
Hurricane Jose’s optimism continues to inspire the American people devastated by natural disasters.