EMMA PATTERSON
Assistant Lampoon Editor
Fall is just around the corner, which obviously means one thing: the return of fall TV! Whether you live for reality shows or prefer to binge-watch every show Netflix has to offer, these seven masterpieces, compiled by a slightly-overtired TV critic, are just what the doctor ordered this fall.
Monday, 8:00 p.m., Fox: It has finally happened, folks! Tune in to Trump’s new reality show: “Head Honcho in Charge of Things,” where we follow Trump behind the scenes in the White House. Find out what really happens within the White House’s walls (soon to be the Gold House — spoiler alert!), and watch Trump do important president-y things, like yell at inanimate objects and eat Ding-Dongs by the handful. It’s quality TV you can’t find anywhere else … except maybe Bravo.
Tuesday, 9:30 p.m., Netflix: What critics are calling “an out of body experience,” and “like a brain freeze that just keeps going,” Netflix’s “I’m Gonna Steal the White House” follows a cardboard cutout of Nicolas Cage on his booby-trap laden journey to the presidency. A true masterpiece starring the genius leading man (in cardboard cutout form) of movies such as “The Wicker Man” and, of course, “National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets.”
Wednesday, 9:00 p.m., CBS: Five white entitled 20-somethings wrestle with life, love and dead-end jobs in New York City. Will funny-male character ever find out the truth about token-blonde female character? Will the eccentric red-head once again turn everything upside down, just for the sensible always-at-odds male and female counterparts to save the day? Will the chimney-sweep character ever explain how he lives in a SoHo penthouse with a sassy live-in dog groomer? Does anybody really care anymore?
Thursday, 10:00 p.m., VH1: “At Home with Martha and Snoop Dogg,” the dynamic duo you loved in “Martha and Snoop: Potluck Dinner Party” is back in a new show critics are calling, “the trippiest sh*t we’ve seen since that new Nic Cage show with the cardboard cutout.” Watch with amazement/horror/appreciation as the country’s favorite criminal and her unlikely stoner BFF transform houses from drab to fab, complete with skylights, matching futons and a very complex ventilation system only Snoop Dogg could come up with.
Friday, 9:30 p.m., CBS: In “Idiot Sandwich,” watch everyone’s favorite funnyman, Gordon Ramsay, scream at people on street corners while pelting them with grilled cheese sandwiches. Watch for the food, stay for the magnificently-crafted, soul-crushing insults.
Saturday, 12:00 p.m., CNN, MSNBC, etc: Originally broadcast on Animal Planet, “Too Cute: America Needs This” follows two litters of puppies from birth to adulthood, and everything in-between. What critics are calling, “the most miraculous thing to happen on TV since the “Lost” finale,” relax and unwind with a puppy or two every Saturday at noon. To be broadcast on every major news channel at noon; soon to be government mandated.
Sunday, 3:00 p.m., Nickelodeon: Premiering Sunday on Nickelodeon, “Chip Skylark: A Day in the Life” follows everyone’s favorite former-teen pop star as he navigates life post-superstardom. The show answers burning questions we’ve been asking for 10 years: Is Timmy’s dad still his #1 fan? Is Vicky still “icky with a V?” Most importantly, are his teeth still shiny?!
Tune in to watch what every 10-year-old is calling, “the best show Nickelodeon has made in years, and I don’t even know who this guy is!”