DOMINIC MAGISTRO
Special to the Lampoon
Following the Sept. 11 Twitter porn scandal, everyone’s favorite blobfish, Ted Cruz, is under investigation for reportedly using taxpayer dollars to fund a private server exclusively for his pornographic websites. We all know Ted Cruz stands for “family values” and embezzling government funds is a rite of passage for politicians across the country, but when did watching your daughter have sex work its way into our family values, America?
One of the actresses in the video spoke up on the incident.
“I didn’t want this much fame from the video,” she admitted. “I was just looking for some extra cash, not a senatorial masturbation scandal. I think it’s sick that the people of Texas are paying for subscriptions they don’t even get to use! He’d better at least be using his franking privilege to send them something for their benefit.”
Some politicians also weighed in on the issue. Most were shocked and disappointed by his actions, but some were quick to jump to his defense.
“Sex scandals aren’t uncommon, but are we really giving flak to a politician for having sex with himself? Everyone is talking about a ‘right to privacy,’ but one of our nation’s lawmakers can’t even enjoy a video in the privacy of his own home without criticism,” said Dawson Riggs, a member of the Texas House of Representatives.
Former Secretary of State and 2024 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton also reached out on the topic.
“It’s really not that hard to hide! You don’t need to spend taxpayer dollars on it! Trust me, I know exactly how to run a private server,” Clinton said, ridiculing Cruz’s naivety.
At a press conference, Clinton broached the subject with a nonpartisan air, offering to teach Cruz how to open a private browsing tab on Google Chrome.
“It is very troubling to see someone under criticism for what he does in the privacy of his own home, but we must not ignore the issue of misappropriation of funds by the American elite,” says Jewish grandpa and Vermont Senator, Bernie Sanders.
Let’s just hope the Zodiac Killer doesn’t come after those poor actors for being so good at their job.
