JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Scallywag
On Thursday, Sept. 28, Mr. Jel Lee Bean went to use the bathroom on the first floor of McEwen. Everything was going as planned, as he dropped his deuces while enjoying the company of a small cartoon magazine featuring a story about Morty McFly — the boy who traveled through dimensions.
To his surprise, however, when Bean turned the handle he was hit with an unpleasant surprise. There was a flush-induced splash of pooey water that tickled his butthole. Bean said that he was astounded that a toilet could invade him in such a way.
Bean said that he normally likes surprises and is willing to “just go with the flow,” however, after experiencing something as horrific as this, he is re-evaluating his previous lifestyle choices. Bean says that using the McEwen bathroom was “not a fun adventure,” and that in order to make things right, the school must remove the McEwen toilet immediately. He has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the McEwen toilet.
We interviewed the McEwen toilet to see what it had to say about this encounter. The McEwen toilet said that it should “not be penalized for what happened,” because it was “out of its control.” When asked how it felt about leaving McEwen, the toilet said, “But I am the king’s throne.”
We interviewed other students to see what they had to say. One student said,
“I think Bean is just overreacting. We have all had the McEwen toilet splashback experience,” said one student who covered his face with peanut butter to remain anonymous.
“The McEwen toilet can’t help who makes him splashback. Plus everyone knows what Bean did at that bar,” said another student.
At the time, we are unsure as to what will happen in the case of Jel Lee Bean vs. McEwen toilet. However, we are hoping that the issue will be resolved soon.