DOMINIC MAGISTRO
Special to The Scallion
After Marshall Mathers’ scathing freestyle of his policies, President Donald Trump released a press statement announcing that his newest trophy from Mar-A-Lago would be dedicated to the victims of the disastrous series of hurricanes which struck Puerto Rico recently.
Minutes after the press release, the terror of Tumblr took to Twitter, condemning the horrible tragedy the hurricanes caused in Florida. Mar-A-Lago was evacuated and suffered heavy damages.
“These storms are truly un-American! They must have it out for Puerto Rico! Jose should go back where he came from! Disgusting!” the POTUS tweeted.
Governor Rosselló, unaware of the tweet, congratulated President Trump on a job well done.
“This trophy will really help us! Thank you, President Trump! We can rebuild the destroyed homes and bring freshwater to our people now that we have this trophy!” he said in an exclusive interview with The Scallion.
Anita, a Puerto Rican native living on the west side of New York City, also took to Twitter. “Puerto Rico is in America now, President Trump! Everything free in America? FOR A SMALL FEE IN AMERICA!!”
Golf trophies are fairly sturdy and will make a strong enough hammer to rebuild the homes of disaster victims. The club on the trophy will be used as a screwdriver to fasten pieces of the reconstruction projects together. The trophy could be sold in order to provide monetary compensation for the victims of Hurricanes Jose and Irma.
Trump’s golf game is not likely to win him any trophies any time soon, but with the Winter White House in the early stages of recovery, there is plenty of time for Cheeto Supreme to practice.
It seems that there is no reason to think Puerto Rico will be recovered before the winter is upon us, but the resilience of the tropical island in the “middle of the ocean” is always surprising.