JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Scallywag
In the upcoming month, University Police is set to begin conducting “midwinter fire drills.” Fredonia State has recognized the need to prepare for the inevitable ice age that is bound to happen.
The breaking news story was leaked from clothing stores nearby who are desperate to sell their winter apparel, what with all the warm weather there has been recently. Taking false information for face value is exactly what this country stands for.
Fredonia, where the wind slaps the side of your cheek and chills underneath your bones, is going to be one of the worst places hit. This is also where Walmart wants you to stop for a moment, so that they can advertise their winter apparel.
It will be so cold that you won’t want to get out of bed to go to class and you will need multiple layers of clothes just to survive the treacherous walk across campus during the blizzards while Hell freezes over.
UP has come up with a way for students to start combating the urge to give up and keel over instantly when faced with this terrible weather.
The campus will have many fire drills so that students can unexpectedly be thrust into the cold front and start to gain a tolerance.
The fire drills will occur when students are probably passed out on their beds, exhausted from the number of exams and late nights that have befallen their heavy schedules.
The students will finally be relaxing, showering, doing something they love and suddenly they will be reminded of what is outside their doors.
They can’t hide indoors forever! The ice age doesn’t care if you have so much work to do that you might explode. The ice age will affect you, and you better be prepared!
UP has always issued some advisory statements, such as to try not to wear too many layers, to not expect heaters to work well as they will crap out eventually, to drink cold drinks and to let the weather get in the way of your homework plans.
“We can pull through this together,” said one officer.
As for how long this ice age will last, Walmart says that it will continue even after the jackets are all sold out.